OH YAS. That’s right my dudes. Finally, POISON IVY!!!!! I’ve talked about my love for big, beautiful, 90’s hair before, so it was only a mere matter of time for us to explore that particular adoration even more. Enter the 1992 masterpiece, Poison Ivy. First of all, look at that poster on the left. I’m sorry, but don’t you think I should take a picture like that and put it on a business card? Whose faces would be undulating in my luxurious hair though? John Stamos, Justin Bieber, and Kathy Bates? Emmanuel Lewis, Charlton Heston, and the maid from Will and Grace? Or maybe just me, me, me and a Doritos Locos Taco?! I will NEVER be able to decide.

When Poison Ivy came out, Drew Barrymore was only seventeen. She had released her autobiography, Little Girl Lost, a couple of years prior and was in full-fledged, rebellious teen mode. This was also a few years before she became the iconic, still-rebellious-yet-sassy Saint Drew, which, as I’ve said before, is how we lovingly refer to her here in the barracks of Agent Lover. SIDEBAR: ~~CONGRATULATIONS POP CHAMPAGNE~~ for Drew’s recent wedding and bun in the oven! I still remember an old  interview from the late 90’s/early 00’s where she talked about her boyfriend’s (who was Luke Wilson at the time) brown shoes like they were “camels she’d trek across any desert to follow.” OH DREW U ROMANTICA. She’s always been just a nice girl looking for love. AREN’T WE ALL? SIDEBAR OTRA VEZ: Do you like how I can remember old Drew B. articles word from word but can’t remember the names of people I knew before 2006? MEAN BUT TRUE…

Anyway, we meet Ivy swinging from a rope, all wild hair, reckless, and wonderful. I mean, just peep that airbrushed jacket lookin’ straight from the county fair. INCREDIBLE. Someday I will have to get a painting commissioned of  this exact screencap. Or maybe just an airbrushed jacket of her wearing this airbrushed jacket?!

Alas, for every crazy troublemaker, we need some some sort of balance to her character. A YIN TO HER YANG. Here comes Darlene from Roseanne starring in the best gif I have made this week.

~~ LIVIN’ LIFE SO WILD AND FREE~~~

Finally the two meet in the principal’s office. Darlene/Sara/Sylvie is giving Ivy the up close and personal lurkdown. She notices her SEXY THIGH TATTOO…

Ivy is like “It’s totally faux” and peels it off her milky thigh like a Fruit Roll-Up.

She then weasels her way into a carpool with Sylvie and her dad, played by Picket Fences’ Tom Skerritt.

UGHGHHHHHH

DARLENE I C DAT PINK MANSION BEHIND YOU

Eventually, Ivy charms her way into the Cooper household as well as into Sylvie’s sick mom’s (played by OG Charlie’s Angel, Cheryl Ladd) designer closet.

Better make sure the door is closed before you apply your Abreva, girl. TOM SKURRT IS A-LURKIN’

I bet you guys weren’t aware of my cameo in the movie as an annoyed maid who is sick of these crazy rich people’s hijinks.

OBV I HAVE SEEN IT ALL IN THAT HOUSE. I wish they had given my character a spinoff sequel.

OKAY. ::slams down the phone:: WHOSE LEG IS THIS?!?! First of all that doesn’t look like the Fruit Roll-Up tattoo. IT LOOKS REAL UNDER ALL THAT FUR. And we don’t see Drew going natural in this movie…I feel like for some weird reason they thought it was a good idea to get a close-up of this fly, and ended up filming it an old biker bar. NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE IN THE WORLD!!! I am just saying I think this is Drew’s thigh’s stuntman, OK…

You know what I’m going to say here. “I wish this was me tanning.” (BTW I am so annoyed that Birchbox sent me fake tan jelly this month. How ’bout you send me a plane ticket to a tropical locale instead, thanks.)

Here comes Ol’ Boy drinking his O.J., just lurkin’ again like Gargamel.

He comes over to Ivy and ends up knocking her NEW BOOTZ off the balcony like the clumsy ass butterfingers he is. I swear….

“Those cost a hundred and fifty bucks.”

Annnnnnd here is the MOST nerd chills scene of the movie IMHO…

A flirtatious cash money tug-o-war betwixt Drew and Tom Skurrt. WHYYYYYYYY

I HATE IT! I just don’t believe in the attraction here. Even Robe Lowe as that creep Drew Peterson in Lifetime’s UNTOUCHABLE was sexier.

As you can expect, all kinds of shit goes down once Drew manages to seduce Ol’ Boy. Even though she is PSYCHOTICA, I feel like Drew gave a certain VULNERABILITY to the character of Ivy that I think is hard to do with these kinds of roles (I usually get super annoyed at these evil chicks.) Now let’s just drool a little over how hot she is in this movie.

We also can’t forget about Sylvie’s amazing hairdo.

And WHY were there so many gratuitous shots of her infected Yin yang  tattoo? Alright, the symbolism is quite clear, but in between gagging from this and the Tom Skerritt sex scenes, I honestly felt my eyeballs barf one too many times.

FRIENDS 4 EVA