Category — Dear Menz Guests
DAS RIGHT LADIES…it’s time again for Dear Menz, where I ask my favorite beefcakes of the world what their thoughts are when it comes to love, dating, and all that good stuffs. This time we have my dear friend Grady, whose photo zine series, Aloha Friday, is a beautiful, visual narrative about his life in Honolulu. Grady is also a DJ, and was behind the sadly now defunct, but forever awesome Three Frames. You know how we loves a Renaissance mang around these parts. Check out my interrogation of Grady below and leave a comment to win all five issues of Aloha Friday along with a personal favorite of mine, his limited edition “Wildest Hogs,” which focused on a motorcycle trip Grady and his friends took through Croatia, Bosnia and Herzegovina and Hungary last year. Hunks on a motorcycle road trip? SOUNDS LIKE A PAGE FROM ME FANTASIES…
Give me that one Missed Connections Craigslist ad you wish you had posted.
Intersection of Kapionali & Atkinson, late Saturday afternoon, “The Golden Hour.”
Me: vintage aloha shirt, dark denim trousers, topsiders, knapsack, sunglasses. On foot, waiting for the crosswalk, alone. You: Behind the wheel of a cream colored 1980′s Mercedes SL roadster with the top down. Straight black hair with tousled bangs, candy-apple red lipstick, dark sunglasses, polka-dot bikini top, pulling a cigarette from a pack of Marlboro 100′s while blasting Grace Jones. Your friend riding shotgun must have noticed the way my jaw was hanging open or how I tipped my shades to get a better look at you before you did, because she leaned in and whispered something in your ear causing you to laugh and look in my direction. I shouted, “What year is your Benz?” and you turned your stereo down. I’d assume so you could ask me to repeat myself. Before you could, the light turned green, you hit the gas and blew me a kiss.
Let’s meet up for a cocktail or spend the afternoon emailing each other Youtube videos some time.
What jams do you always make sure to have on your ultimate makeout mix?
- Lots of Prince, “Pop Life” especially.
- “Violation” by St. Tropez
- Some Gabor Szabo, like his cover of Donovan’s “Ferris Wheel”
- “Close to You” by Maxi Priest
- Jerry Garcia’s Love Scene Improvisations
- Joy Division’s “Atmosphere”
- Some Serge Gainsbourg
- “Get It Up For Love” by Ned Doheny (which coincidentally is the opening track on my latest mixtape:
- Anything off of Sylvia Robinson’s Pillow Talk LP. Actually just put that whole album on and ignore the rest of this list.
Kelly Bundy, Kelly Tayor, or Kelly Kapowski?
This is a really tough one, because all three of these women played a crucial role in my adolescence. But the answer is hands-down Kelly Kapowski. On the surface she was a boring “All-American Girl”, but there was real substance there. She knew who she was and she knew what she wanted. She also wasn’t afraid to change her mind: dumping Slater for Zack; she even fell for Screech at one point. Kelly taught me that growing up was something you shouldn’t sit back and just let happen, you should make it the best time of your life.
What’s the sexiest thing a girl can do to get your attention and keep it?
It’s a cliche but it’s true that confidence really is the sexiest thing. But what’s even sexier is a girl who’s on her own shit, doing her own thing, whatever that is, and being confident about that, not just being confident in being a boring and/or terrible human. As far as keeping my attention, I like it when a girl lets me know where I stand, good or bad. Also it helps if you’re a good flirt because I’m pretty terrible at it so you’ll have to pick up the slack, sorry.
What is the biggest dealbreaker when you are dating someone?
All I’ll say is that it’s 2012 and everyone’s busy. But time management can be sexy, or it can be gross. Also, there’s nothing wrong with using the internet, but the longer you can go in a conversation without mentioning Facebook or Instagram, the better. Make a game out of it, it can be fun.
Three people you would want to play a good old-fashioned game of Spin the Bottle with:
Brigid White (from my 6th grade summer camp).
Describe a date you would want to take the girl of your dreams on.
It would probably involve a weekend road trip, a stay in an old hotel, a picnic lunch, people-watching somewhere, and a candlelight dinner. She’d be in charge of music the whole time. I’d surprise her with something along the way. At some point we’d go swimming. We’d make out in public somewhere. There’d be lots of great photos, but also some moments we’d only have memories of.
Any last words of advice?
“If you see something, say something.”
You can contribute to the creation of the Aloha Friday’s fifth installment here. Follow his Twitter here and find him on Facebook and Instagram @alohafriday. Don’t forget to leave a comment to win! I’ll choose a winner on (aloha)Friday.
September 24, 2012 5 Comments
That’s right ladies…I am back with everyone’s favorite column… Dear Menz! Throw your bras in the air in celebration! This time I went a lil’ bit WILD and started a “Sexy Pizza Edition,” which means along with the usual topics of sex and romance, we’ll be talking about our favorite vegetable… PIZZA! I thought it might be a fun idea since pizza IS an aphrodisiac….right? Anyway, let’s get down to business. Today’s special guest hunk is Zak Waters, a singer- songwriter from LA whose soulful dance music is so goddamn sexy, you will probably get pregnant just from reading this interview. He also thinks Frankenflops are a “crime against humanity.” Naturally I wanted to harass this cool menz…
What’s the sexiest thing a girl does to turn you on?
When I sing the three sweet words “Ain’t nothing wrong…” and she chimes in “with a little bump and grind…”
Where have you had the best sex of your life?
My bed. Sounds boring, but the whole “sex in weird places” just isn’t my thing…it’s too distracting. It’s exciting for about two minutes and then I start to get irritated. Nothing like the soft and spacious feel of a good ol’ fashioned bed.
Where have you have the best pizza of your life?
DiCarlo Pizzeria on Hollywood and Hillhurst. I used to work there. They fired me. But the pizza was really good.
Give me three songs on your Ultimate Makeout Mix.
If you could make your DREAM PIZZA, what would be on it?
Cheese and sauce…I’m a pretty simple guy.
Boobs or booty?
Boooty Boooty Boooty all day…every day.
Betty or Veronica?
Are we talkin’ Real Housewives of Orange County? I’d have to go with Veronica.
Can an item of clothing a girl wears REALLY turn a guy off? I know the answer is NO so don’t even try to play…
Ok I can def play this one. My friends always tease me about how picky I am about these kind of things when I’ve gone on dates. It really bugs me when girls wear high heels that are too big for them. It just gives me the impression that they borrowed them from their mom or something. One time a girl wore a grey fur vest with a cut-up Mötley Crüe t-shirt underneath and of course some flesh-colored pumps that were def a size too big. Now did it turn me off completely? No, not quite. It was the Gigapet adorning her keychain that did me in….
What kind of pizza turns you OFF?
I’d have to say garlic. I mean, I love it just like anyone else, but there’s nothing sexy about garlic breath…
January 11, 2012 7 Comments
I first met Alex Koons of Lexicondon when we were both photoboothin’ at a TILT show. Not too long after, I saw this dreamwave dreamboat set the stage on fire while performing makeout-ready tracks from Lexicondon’s upcoming album, Pink + Blue. Once I heard the sweet lyrics and sexy synths of the song “Set Sail,” I knew I had to interview this gent for Dear Menz! Let’s see what he had to say…
+ What is something that women do that is an automatic boner killer?
I would have to say when a Christina tells me they used to be a Christopher. That kills the the boner…most of the time.
+ Is there a way one can resurrect The Boner?
Yeah, the idea of burying it in a tomb for 3 days usually works.
+ Three people you would want to play a good old-fashioned game of Spin the Bottle with?
Soleil Moon Frye (Dressed as Punky)
+ Is it true that menz love crazy bitches? If so, what level of cray is too cray?
I can’t speak for all menz but I think crazy can be fun, for a while at least. I believe in 7 shades of crazy, and I only date up to level 5. Seven being physical abuse, or putting their own hair in a birthday card and giving it to you after not talking for 4 months, true story. Good crazy is explained best by Ludacris when he said “we want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed.” (Editor’s note: WHY HALLOW THERE)
+ Are you a boobs or a booty man?
Booty all day.
+ What is it about a woman that immediately fogs up your sunglasses?
+ Marty Mcfly lent you the keys to the DeLorean and you go back to the 90′s. What female MC are you gonna get freaky with?
Hands down Lil’ Kim.
+ What five songs would you put on your ultimate Hump Mix?
Blink 182- Whats my age again
Third Eye Blind- God of Wine
The Grouch- Simple Man
+ Any last words of advice?
The only advice I have right now is to grab our album August 24th, it has a lot of songs you can practice making babies to.
MUCHAS GRACIAS Alex for being our latest Dear Menz informant and bringing the lawls! For more of Alex’s band Lexicondon, check out their Facebook and Twitter, and make sure to pick up Pink + Blue when it drops this Tuesday!
For previous Dear Menz special guests, lurk here.
August 20, 2010 4 Comments
I first met the devastatingly handsome and hilarious hunk known as Rory when he wanted to interview YOURS TRULY for his blog Awesome All Day! Since then we have remained in touch like E.T. and Elliott. He became one of my favorite people ever so it was only natural to put him under the bright lights of my interrogation lamp and question him on all his MENZerisms. Meet our newest Dear Menz confidante…Rory of Awesome All Day!
+ What hurts a man’s ego more, faking a laugh or faking an orgasm?
You’re speaking hypothetically right? right?!
I’d be more worried that a girl would confuse the two. Can you imagine the awkwardness of faking a laugh when you were supposed to be fake orgasming? OR VICE VERSA?!
I also think the fake orgasm can be really misleading. Your physical reactions are like the roadmap to your lady gardens. If when my Harry meets your Sally, you fake it convincingly I’m going to try and make you have more fake orgasms in the same way. Do yourself a favor and just be honest about what is working and what isn’t because grrl we wanna get there with you.
+ Can straight guys genuinely just be friends with girls or are they all eventually just trying to hit it?
As the self-appointed representative of straight guys everywhere I’d just like to make this simple statement:
Attention: All BFFs/Buddies/and girls who see themselves as “one of the guys”
We are all secretly in love with you. We have been since you’ve known us and you totally know it. You make us laugh, you’re there when we need you, and we like that you make our girlfriends/wives/significant others jealous. We may never try to make a touch down in the bone zone but that doesn’t mean it has not crossed our minds. We are your friends but don’t sell yourself short! Who wouldn’t want you?
Straight Guys Everywhere
+ What’s the sexiest thing that a girl can do to turn you on?
Polaroid Camera and love notes.
+ Would you ever dress like a mariachi and serenade a Prince song to a girl that you really liked?
I try to always dress like a charro. I live close to Alcala’s in Chicago which is one of the best western supply stores around. Every time I throw on the black and silver grrls can’t help but wonder about 23 positions in a one night stand.
“This is gonna b a long night
A little bit longer afternoon
Girl, if we get this thing right
Oh, U gonna get satisfied real soon
Can’t U see eye’m just tryin’ 2 get U satisfied yea”
+ What is something you’ve always wanted to do with a significant other but haven’t had the chance to yet?
Meet and fall in love in Chicago. Seriously.
+ Tell me a time when you experienced an ultimate boner killer from an internet crush. Was it a lame facebook status update? An alcohol-fueled drunken tweet?
I’m not sure? Can you set your relationship status to “home wrecker” on Facebook? I actually would love to go on a date and have the lucky lady live tweet the whole thing:
Lucky Lady409: Dude doesn’t have a car. This is going to be swell.
Lucky Lady409: Olive Garden really?! Well the breadsticks are pretty good…
Lucky Lady409: Hmm I wonder if he knows he laughs at his own jokes? In a non-endearing way. Off to the movies!
Lucky Lady409: God I love Amy Adams <3
Lucky Lady409: He invited me up to his place. At least he has a place! I assumed “pro-blogger” meant “Lives with parents”
Lucky Lady409: I’ve seen chimpanzees string a needle easier than he is getting my bra off.
+ What kind of creative date would you take a girl on that doesn’t require much money?
Contestant #3 Answers: I love a girl who knows her way around a bicycle. I’d love to pack up some food/beer then ride out to the lake and hang tough like longshoremen. Emphasis on the long.
Contestant #2 Answers: I’d take you on a midday happy-hour bar crawl. We could eat wings and drunk dial your friends to make them hate their crappy office jobs.
Contestant #1 Answers: These other loser contestants think way too small! Lets just move to Thailand and live high on the hog for dollars a day. Who needs America when we’ve got each other?
+ You have a penchant for writing Missed Connections. Will you fulfill one of my Internet fantasies and write one for ME?
Done and done.
+ What’s the sexiest 80′s movie makeout scene you would want to recreate?
I have been and always will be in love Meredith Salenger from Dream a Little Dream. I’ve talked about my love hate relationship with both of the Coreys. I’m pretty sure sweet Meredith is where it all started.
+ Any last words of advice?
When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, and he looks you crooked in the eye and he asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol’ Jack Burton always says at a time like that: “Have ya paid your dues, Jack?”
“Yessir, the check is in the mail.”
And with that Jack Burton panty-soaking quote, let’s thank Rory for this penetrating interview!!! You can add more Rory to your life by lurking Awesomeallday.com and his Twitter! And ladies…don’t forget to download the large version of Rory’s centerfold to print out and scotch-tape to your headboard!
P.S. Past Dear Menz can be found here!
February 23, 2010 7 Comments
TNUC can best be described as a master of combining visual and aural stimulation…as well as an obscure 80′s film king, dream warrior, fellow pizza lover and a fan of Staymoist. Whenever I need any of those things, which is all the time, I visit his blog. Bookmark that boner immediately. TNUC also partners up with my favorite dj duo/ past Dear Menz interviewees Futurecop! quite often for collaborations including the video for upcoming single “1988 Girls.” Be on the lookout for that as well as more videos and the TNUC BONER OF THE MONTH CLUB! Sounds like a Male marie if you ask me. How could I not ask this Casanova to be our latest Dear Menz guest?
Out of the bevy of ass-kicking 80′s babes, which one would you want at your side helping you fight crime?
Vanity. Hands down. If you’re one of the few and one of the proud to catch her in Never too Young to Die, you already know the facts. When she’s not strapped to the back of your motor-bike, ready to fight post-nuke vigilantes, then she’s probably strapped to your Johnson, or playing a game of cat and mouse with you until the tension can’t bear anymore, and the two of you are forced to take it to the bedroom, where the moment you start fornicating, saxophone immediately starts playing. What a woman.
Your readers voted on who was more bonerable: Kelly Kapowski or Kelly Bundy, which is ultimately a good girl versus bad girl battle. Kapowski won! Why do you think that? Doesn’t everyone know naughty girls need love too?
Kapowski winning is no surprise. She’s the more accessible one, and the one you would have ZERO worries about bringing home to Mom. Don’t get me wrong, she’s delicious, but I’m a 345% supporter of the Buxom-Bundy. I guess Kapowski could make for a good peeping tom session, hanging from a tree limb with binoculars, peeking in on a Bayside Friday night slumber party. Another plus to the Bundy camp is the obvious connection to legend Al Bundy. I don’t know why people aren’t picking up on this. Drinking beers, reminiscing about high school football and delving into the art of the shoe business…c’mon now.
Which Goonie do you identify with most and why?
That’s difficult. My immediate answer that came to mind is Mouth (Corey Feldman). But I suppose for me, that connection is only based on his moves and style. You know, the members only jacket, purple reign t-shirt and the bouncing, flopping hair. But the more I think about it, TNUC could associate with Sloth on so many levels. Sloth was chained in that dingy basement for so many years and TNUC was chained in the dreaded 90’s for so many years. So we could really relate to one another and get intellectual. Then again I could always go the route of Mikey (Sean Astin). He’s more of the dreamer, the chaser, the true Goonie. My final answer? How about THE STYLE OF “MOUTH”, THE HEART OF “SLOTH” AND THE SOUL OF “MIKEY”…..that’s it.
It is one of my lifetime goals to DO IT in a DeLorean. I’m sure this is an everyday humdrum activity for a stud like thee TNUC. What should I be prepared for when I finally acquire this vehicle for my “autoerotic” fantasies?
Greatest question ever. This one truly digs deep in the loins of TNUC. OK, so you’ve acquired the DeLorean, the hard parts over. Next, make sure your metallic beast is equipped with an automatic fog dispenser. That’s first and foremost on the check-list. Lucky for me, mine just happened to come with it. The dealer asked me if I wanted the model with the Flux Capacitor or the model with the Fog Dispenser, so naturally I went with the right decision. So anyways, here’s an example of my first sexual episode involving a DeLorean. Do you remember the part in Karate Kid, where Daniel the Dingus and his Mom drive the station-wagon to go pick up Ali (Elisabeth Shue) for the date at Golf N’ Stuff? Well, there’s a part when Daniel and his Mother are driving where the camera pans a little to the left. You can barely see it, but if you look verrrry closely you can see a DeLorean. Well, that very night TNUC just happned to be cruising around the Valley. This chug-a-lug station-wagon wouldn’t get out of my way, so I swerved around it, leaving the station-wagon in a cloud of fog. Something caught my attention. This big house on a hill was beaming with camera-crews, crowds of people, film equipment and at the very top, near the doorway, a very exquisite looking Elisabeth Shue standing alone. Immediately I pulled into the driveway. People started starting with looks of shock and sheer terror, did a mysterious DeLorean really just arrive on-set and could possibly be crashing their party? I didn’t care. My focus was on Elisabeth. She needed to experience the DeLorean and needed to experience the TNUC. I then used the gull-wing opening door feature and fog started pouring out of the vehicle in large amounts. The fog got so intense, people started to freak out and others were being lost in its thick mass. I knew this was my only chance to make a run for it and get the girl! Before I could step out of the car, Elisabeth was already in it. She had this hallucinogenic, almost possessed look on her face, as if the fog had put her into some sort of trance. All I know is, I was happy. She told me she’d never felt like this before and that she wanted to be taken. That was enough information for me. I immediately clocked in at 88 miles per hour, and the last thing anyone saw that night was a license plate that read the letters T N U C, hammering out of the driveway and into the night. The rest is history.
I would find out months later that all this was captured on camera, but the director burned it and swore never to speak on the happenings of that night ever again. I’d like to take a moment right now to target the two people who I’m on the hunt for. The director and that little worm Daniel LaRusso. You two better pray Johnny Lawrence and I don’t find you on our Yamaha Dirt-Bikes. We’re currently on the prowl, searching empty karate dojos and California beaches. If you’re found, your legs are about to be swept to death! This is just a mere example of what can happen with a DeLorean on your hands.
You dressed as Uncle Jesse aka my #1 ladyboner John Stamos (Staymoist) for Halloween one year. What has the Staymoist taught you about women? HAS IT WORKED? (how dare I ask)
Well, it goes without saying that Stamos has changed my life and continues to do so. For years I channeled him with any sexual exploits I got myself into. For me, if you’re trying to impress the ladies, one obvious move is riding your Harley into the sunset, leather jacket bound, hair blowing in the wind. When doing this, you cannot forget to pack plenty of Mousse. Use plenty of mousse and don’t be afraid to throw some Aqua-Net in there as well. I’ve heard some guys carry condoms in their wallets, well so do I, but the difference is that when you tear open the rubber in my wallet, the only thing inside is a nice travel size squirt of Mousse! For dire situations.
Stamos has also influenced me in terms of style. You can’t go wrong with a daily get-up of a leather jacket, teal shirt and a pair of snakeskin boots. Chicks also faint at the sight of a dangling earring in the left ear, either a cross or a feather. The vampire clan in The Lost Boys also carried this trend. The foolish crew on Full House wouldn’t let poor Stamos rock an earring on set, like the time they refused to film him riding over the Golden Gate bridge with a naked Becky straddling him and his bike. I hope this information was useful. Good luck kids of America, may your Stamos continue to soar!
And of course since it is Spooks Awareness Month, I have to ask you which scream queen gives you a supernatural boner?
My boner gets ultra supernatural whenever Sheri Moon Zombi hits the screen. She may not have too many classics or enough filmography under her belt, but who cares. I could have said Jamie Lee Curtis or Linda Blair, but c’mon, we’re talking about BONERS here! Sheri Moon for sure. Boner Jams all night.
Thank you TNUC!!!
November 2, 2009 8 Comments
Our newest confidante for Dear Menz is Ned Hepburn from Boner Party. As all of you may know, I am a huge fan of boners (literally and lingually) so when I first heard of this blog I stiffened up (BLOL) and pointed towards it like those hunting dogs in cartoons. Instead of sweatpants erections, all I found was a bunch of sexy ladies so I thought it was just another dirty old trick. Why I oughta. But I stayed awhile and laffed. Then I LOL’d, which segued into a LOLWTF a couple of times until I amen’d and praised the lo’ JEJUS. Because Ned Hepburn is one funny mutha. And in that ‘oh shit- what he says is pretty witty and hilar with a side of e-swagger’- kind of way. Cause’ there’s nothing that beats my favorite kind of humor: Clever AND Cochino. That shit don’t come a dime-a-dozen boo! On top of all that, Ned loves tacos! Let’s read what this gent has to tell us in all matters of love and boners.
What happens during a boner party exactly? Does everyone get to come?
There’s a George Carlin line, “I’ve never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked five 2′s”, which I always thought was hilarious. My stock answer is that a boner party is a celebration. It’s invite only. You don’t want randos showing up. Keep it real, keep it simple. Christ, that sounds like bumper sticker philosophy. “My other blog is a WordPress”.
Give me that one Missed Connections Craigslist ad you wish you had posted.
“Dear Natalie Portman…”
Is it true that men love crazy bitches?
They’re just so much more entertaining than your average Sex And The City “nice girl”. That’s why I love reading Megan Fox interviews because she clearly doesn’t give a fuck what you think, and I think that, at its crux, is what GOOD crazy is all about. BAD crazy involves crying and eating at the same time and nobody wants to see that. Have you ever seen that? I saw a dude at Subway cry one time and he was making my sandwich. That was really awkward.
Are you a boobs or booty man?
Guys that are into cats are more boobs people from what I’ve found; Guys who are into butts are more dog people, and I’m a dog person.
Something that women do that is an automatic boner killer?
Women who inherently go out dancing all the time I find kind of scary. It’s like wanting to be a gazelle on the African plains – I can see WHY you’d want to go dancing but it’s all about ‘show’ and people that are all about ‘show’ nerve the living hell out of me. I don’t understand nightclubs, they scare the shit out of me. Which is weird, because I used to work in them on and off for like 4 whole years.
Is there a way one can resurrect The Boner?
Bruce Springsteen’s “Born To Run” or “Thunder Road”. That usually puts the party back on track.
What do you think of half-Filipino girls with bangs?
They’re rad! I have a friend in Chicago like that. We used to get tacos every week and talk about shit. She was really cool.
Please describe your perfect makeout session scenario.
Remember the scene in Risky Business where Rebecca DeMornay and Tom Cruise make out on the train? Something like that. Basically as long as it’s soundtracked by Phil Collins.
Who is in your dream threesome?
A wise man never tells such things.
+ Dear Menz With Special Guest Michael Ian Black
+ Dear Menz With Special Guest Jason Savvy
+ Dear Menz With Special Guest Donny Vomit
+ Dear Menz With Special Guest Chase Lisbon
+ Dear Menz With Special Guest Futurecop!
June 23, 2009 5 Comments
Photo by Rick Mendoza
HEY LADIES!!! (deep voice) Summertime is just around the corner, can you feel the heat coming? I can. So it’s about that time we ask one of our Dear Menz to help us get a handle on all the hotties heading our way.
Jason Savvy is a moustachioed man of many hats. Not only is he an accordionist for LA’s own avant-garde 24-piece gypsy jazz band, Killsonic, a talented DJ, and a creator of international dance party night, Malabomba!, but he’s also a taco aficionado and the person to blame for my escalated taco obsession. Jason started the taco tally last year and I was the lucky cochina puta to present his 69th taco. (He’s on taco #92 for this year in case you are wondering.) The ladyboner-inducing Jack Kerouac quote posted on his myspace (“the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars…” ) is the cherry on top because really, anybody who lives by a quote like that is a hottie boom-bawty bawty. Today Mr. Savvy offers us ladies some insight into the mad, mad world of our opposite sex…
What is something a woman can wear that makes her irresistible to you?
Apparently, based on my track record, a straightjacket.
Have you ever encountered a bad kisser? How do you deal with it if you like the person, but they are a bad maker-outer?
I have been lucky. I have never really encountered bad kissing, perhaps just average to mediocre lip-mashings. The way I deal with it is to remember, “Hey, this may not be the best make out sesh ever, but at least I am making out.” Before growing this moustache, I was an ace maker-outer, but then I decided to sacrifice comfort for style. This presented me with a conundrum. That is, the handlebar attracts significantly more attention from the ladies, but is also scratchy and coarse on their delicate faces once I have tricked them into making out with me using my dubious charms. I don’t even want to talk about how the handlebar curl is prone to trespassing into the nostril of the girl I’m kissing because that is just gross and embarrassing for everyone. Come to think of it, I hope to the sweet baby Jesus that no one has a bad kisser story about me because of this unfortunate tendency.
Photo by Jeff Savolainen
What is something you’ve always wanted to do with a significant other but haven’t had the chance to yet?
Ha. Stay together.
Three people you would want to play a good old-fashioned game of Spin the Bottle with?
1. Lenora Claire. I’m putting her on blast in a public forum now because I always do this when I see or speak to her anyhow. I just like to make her face turn red; what can I say? So yeah. I know this is almost too easy a choice – I mean, just look at her. But, I will go on record and state that I found her 1000 times more attractive once we had a few conversations. She is a dish and a catch through and through. Finally, a major part of the reason I choose her is that the hypothetical fantasy land you suggest would likely be the only place we could ever make out or spend Seven Minutes in Heaven anyhow since she’s practically my sister now. Ew. Thanks, Marie.
2. Annie Sprinkle. When I was a virgin, I considered proposing to her that I offer her up my virginity. I didn’t want it anymore, and I figured who else deserved it more than she? She is a sex-positive heroine goddess extraordinaire and I reckoned it would be a fair trade given that I was a young and repressed tangle of frazzled virgin nerves. Now that those days are long past, I still think she is a good choice because I wouldn’t scare her off with my cochino ways.
3. You. Yeah, you, the girl reading this. Whoever you are, wherever you are. Let’s play spin the bottle. And when it’s over, you’re going to pass out from blissful exhaustion. Then, I’m going to put your underpants in the freezer and your hands in warm water while you’re sleeping. Don’t test me, I might TP your house. Not kidding – I’ll fucking do it.
Photo by Austin Young
Since you’re a DJ I have to ask you, what is on your Makeout Mix?
Just a few choice cuts from the vaults:
Lush – Last Night (Darkest Hour Mix)
David Lynch – Ghost of Love
Tricky – Overcome
Cure – New Day
Bjork – Pagan Poetry
April Stevens – Teach Me, Tiger
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Killing the Light
Autolux – Turnstyle Blues
Catherine Wheel – Black Metallic
DJ Shadow – Dark Days
Motorhead – Ace of Spades
Magnetic Fields – Let’s Pretend We’re Bunny Rabbits
I have also received reliable, peer-reviewed feedback from some field subjects that the monkeywrench sound labs winter mix tape I made is good for make-outs and consequent romantic gropings in the dark. (PS – you can download it here – just right click and ‘save as’)
Please give us your Top 3 Savvy dating tips.
Okay, just the tips…
Basic. Most important number one: Dinner and a movie is over. Who even goes on this kind of date? Go with your date somewhere that requires hopping a fence, trespassing, talking your way out of an arrest, or a scavenger hunt – it’s so much more fun. Or else picnic somewhere 10 stories up and go to a guerrilla drive-in later if you gotta eat and watch a film together. You see, in unique sets of circumstances I believe we are much more likely to experience and observe who we really are than in some mundane by-the-numbers interaction we’ve seen a million times in lame movies. (Unless you want your life to be like a lame movie, in which case you get what you deserve).
Intermediate. When you really like someone, make him/her a mix tape. I know, everyone burns CDs these days, but even burned CDs I make for friends I will call “mix tapes” until the day I die. Deal with it. Anyways, yes. A mix tape. Take your time with it. Carefully consider the narrative and emotional arc of the song choices and playlist order. Make art or drawings or a collage for the case. It should be a total statement. That is, personalize it as much as possible. This is a time-honored gesture that will leave a lasting impression and provide the listener with an artifact revealing a moment of emotional perfection that s/he can revisit in perpetuity. Though ultimately, this artifact will become indispensably important for you both to refer back to when things have gone horribly awry. Or maybe you get lucky and play it at your wedding.
Advanced. Be open to and aware of the vast spectrum of possibilities at hand when it comes to forming an attraction. I think it is too easy for most to view their habits, past, and patterns as archetypical of the only type of person they are into or their ideal romantic situation. I don’t think life, and especially not love, works that way. In short, I too often see people overlook potential partners or situations that don’t fit into a specific pre-defined category, history, or expectation. Love doesn’t give a damn who you tend to be attaracted to (i.e. your “type”), or what kind of relationship you are looking for. Love is as arbitrary as it is specific. It can proliferate over time, it can strike at random, it is capable of anything. Love is chaotic – it laughs at our plans and our schemes. Sometimes we luck out and it fits like a missing puzzle piece, and sometimes we are presented an opportunity that challenges us and the paradigms under which we lead our lives. In love, all things are possible. There are as many ways to love as there have been people on Earth since time began. We have a lot of options and a lot to learn, so open up…
Photo by Leora Saul
And lastly, can straight guys genuinely just be friends with girls or are they trying to get into their panties eventually?
I think sexual tension is impossible to avoid – it’s just up to whomever is involved to decide how to manage it, ultimately. Notwithstanding, personal dynamics and chemistry also can shift, so it is also important to maintain awareness and flexibility lest two friends miss a mutually rewarding opportunity to date. My life experience has shown that the traditional hetero paradigm that “guys only want one thing” has been turned on its freakin’ ear anyway. That is, I have come to find that almost everyone is constantly trying to get in everyone else’s pants anyhow, so what’s the point in pretending it’s one-way? Girls and boys both are all just raging, sexually aggressive hormone bombs 95% of the time. I should state, for the record, that I am in full support of this trend. But, I also support maturity and healthy boundaries, so I personally tend to err on the side of prudence and restraint in my friendships with girls. In short, yes they can just be friends. At least I can. Then again, most straight guys would not want me as their spokesperson. That said, I also believe in breaking my own rules as much as I believe in following them.
You can find him spinning sexy tunes every 1st and 3rd Thursday of each month at Club Malabomba at the Bordello in downtown LA!
June 8, 2009 7 Comments
With Valentine’s Day on the horizon, thoughts of romance are titillating (and torturing) the minds of many, so I figure it’s perfect time to enlist a new special menz to share some dude advice with us ladies.
My new favorite musical crush, Futurecop!, creates tunes sweet enough to be your time-traveling soundtrack. These two Brit boys are obsessed with 80′s pop culture, including John Hughes movies and your favorite Saturday morning ‘toons, serving as a direct inspiration for their synth-pop sound. I was lucky enough to catch them live a couple times recently, including a memorable night with my ladies at TILT and have since been listening to them nonstop. Futurecop’s charming duo, Manzur Iqbal and Peter Carrol, answer my crazy questions below!
If you two could pull a Weird Science, which 80′s babe would you want appearing before your very eyes?
Peter: Michelle Pfeiffer and Heather Locklear come close, but Phoebe Cates wins in the end
Manzur: Phoebe Cates !!!!!!
What five songs would you put on your ultimate MAKIN’ IT Mix?
Kenny Loggins- Dangerzone
Chesney Hawkes- One and Only
Human League- Human
Janet Jackson- Pleasure Principal
Meatloaf- Anything for Love
Donna Lewis - I Love You Always Forever
Celine Dion and Peabo Bryson – Beauty And The Beast
REM – Nightswimming
Boy Meets Girl – Waiting for a Star to Fall
Weezer – Undone- The Sweater Song
What’s the sexiest thing a girl can do to get your attention and keep it?
Peter: Individuality and a sense of humour.
Manzur: Got to be fun, got to be different and not try too hard (especially trying to be hipster and cool – I hate fake people) but still be nice and sweet. Most of all clean girls and no drugs!
Who would you rather have taken to prom, Valley Girl or Teen Witch?
Peter: Valley Girl. We love LA!
Manzur: Teen Witch.
Would you try to take Jessie’s Girl if Jessie was an ASSHOLE?!
Peter: Some guys just need to know they are not behaving properly, we’d do it in a second.
What do you think of half asian girls with bangs?
Peter: Sounds like a great combo to me
Manzur: I’m actually obsessed with half asian girls – theyre sooo hot! the best thing since slice bread! Not many things make me shy but half asian girls do!
Editor’s note: WHY HELLO
Marty Mcfly lent you the keys to the DeLorean. Where in time are you taking me on our first date?
Peter: 1988. A classic year, and the beginning of so many good things.
Futurecop! just released an EP through IHEARTCOMIX and also announced a new USA tour so if they are coming to your town I suggest you put on your Nike 2015 dunks, go see them live and bust a move, boos.
In the meantime, Let’s make out to some:
Eyes Like the Ocean – Futurecop!
then let’s break it down with a ‘lil:
Fast Forward vs Ciara – Futurecop!
*If you missed any Dear Menz from the past, please check out:
Also if you have a Dear Menz nominee whom you would like me to interrogate with perverted and romantical questions, please holla at your girl at marie[at]agentlover.com!
February 11, 2009 6 Comments
With summer lovin’ in the air, surely us ladies must be encountering some baffling questions while out and about in the wild frontier of the male species, so who better to act as our personal wingman during this time than a nice fellow from our Dear Menz harem?
Our new Boy Friday is Chase Lisbon, the mastermind behind Supercult. His Flickr photostream displays his talents of using uncanny lighting to make a naked girl in a sketchy hotel room look way more than just a naked girl in a sketchy hotel room. But it was when I saw his list that included the love of Morrissey, cholos, owls, Frankenstein and fantasy battles, I knew this was a guy I wanted to get to know.
In this edition of Dear Menz, Chase takes our weary hand and guides us into the wilderness.
Are you jaded by beautiful women since you are around them all the time? Is it like being a gynecologist in a way where it’s like “Bah, another vagina? Another day, another dollar” ?
Yes, a little. It’s really cut my libido in half. No question there, but it makes life a lot easier. It’s way easier to live when you aren’t constantly looking to get people into bed with you. It’s also helped me realize that NO ONE is perfect and that you can’t keep looking for physical perfection…. it’s like the Holy Grail, and you aren’t going to find it anywhere.
What is the number one deal breaker for you when you are out on a date?
Man… dates… I dislike girls that are rude to waiters or staff, I dislike pointy shoes, I dislike it when girls talk about “bathroom things” or that sort of humor. I have trouble being into a girl if I don’t like the way she dresses… I hate thongs, but it won’t destroy everything… hmmmm… I can’t stand when people are divas and complain about their food or take things back. There’s way more deal breakers than there are deal makers. I have a sort of black heart these days. My love life is best summed up by about 13 of the 69 Love Songs by Magnetic Fields.
How can a girl really tell if a guy likes her?
Well.. If a guy really likes a girl, he’ll buy her little tiny gifts, text a lot, call a lot, need a lot of reassurance, and make up reasons to contact them… especially the gifts… like, it could be anything, something from a 25 cent machine, you know? Just something that says “I was even thinking about you at the grocery store”.
If he doesn’t do any of these things, and he’s only calling her late night once a week, then it’s all just physical.
Cholos love tagging up their heinas. What are your thoughts on hickeys?
Oh man… hahaha…. sometimes I like to give a hickey for fun, but a lot of times I give them by accident in strange places and that can just cause trouble all around.
Since the Internet has made it easier to meet other people nowadays, has it made everyone sluttier?
Everyone is way “sluttier” now for sure, but I don’t know where the blame lays. Maybe it’s just because girls think they need to be a certain way with me, because of my job, or who knows… but things are crazy nowadays.
But definitely girls are growing up, seeing things on the internet that were not standard acts 15 years ago, and maybe they get the impression that that’s the norm. Who knows? I’m not a sexologist…
What do you think about hooking up with exes?
I don’t do it… I’ve only ever done that with “exes” that were “flings”, you know? No one that ever had my heart… I’m against it.
Is it true that white boys like to go down more than any other ethnicity?
I would think so. Everyone I know loves too… nothing can stop us…
What’s the sexiest thing a woman can do that doesn’t involve sex?
It’s all in the eyes…
July 17, 2008 5 Comments
Welcome to the second edition of “Dear Menz” where I ask the menz a variety of penetrating questions to help us ladies find the thugz of our dreams…
Not only is Coney Island awesome because it is The Warriors‘ home turf, but because it’s where you can find Donny Vomit, from Coney Island’s Sideshows by the Seashore. He first aroused my ladyboner during a visit to the sideshow in 2006. Donny was nice enough to take time from juggling chainsaws and hammering nails into his face to let us have a peek into his fascinating man brain. I am also proud to say I resisted any potential urges to drop a sword-swallower pickup line during this interrogation. I’m sure he’s heard them all!
What kind of date would you take a girl on if you were broke?
Just hit the town in Coney. Grab a dog at Nathans Hotdogs, hit the arcades and have our fortunes told by Grandma the antique fortune teller machine. Talk some roustabouts into rides on the Wonder Wheel and the Cyclone. Go for a swim out on the beach. Then grab a beer back at our bar at the sideshow.
How freaky can a sideshow freak get in the sack?
Whips, chains, straitjackets, swords and beds of nails are all floating around my room, but when it comes to the end of the day sometimes you want to leave the tools of the trade behind and enjoy what draws most into the sideshow in the first place. The exploration of something new and exciting.
What shouldn’t a girl do to get a guy’s attention?
Do not, I repeat DO NOT carve a man’s name into your chest flesh, especially when he doesn’t know your name.
Give me that one Missed Connections Craigslist ad you wish you had posted.
Oh subway accordion girl, where did you go? We could have ran away and started our own circus on some tropical beach. If you ever make your way back to New York just jump on a train to the end of the world in Coney Island where your carny boy will be waiting.
What’s your stance on pubes? Bald as a basketball or big ol’ jungle bush?
Keep it short, keep it clean. My mustache doesn’t like competition.
Who is in your dream threesome?
The Hilton sisters, not Paris and Nicky but the original Hilton sisters, Daisy and Violet.
What is the number one dealmaker when you are out on a date?
A girl has to enjoy a rollercoaster, and not be too disturbed by a man who found a way to make a living picking his nose.
Where’s the weirdest place you’ve gotten laid?
In the ocean.
Thank you Donny for being the second Menz to graciously answer my puzzling and perverted queries! And friends, if you are ever in Coney Island, stop by Sideshows by the Seashore to say hello to Donny and to be entertained!
Also, If you missed the first edition of Dear Menz with Michael Ian Black you can catch it here.
[Donny V Photo by David Sacks]
April 2, 2008 7 Comments