BEST BLONDE BANGS AWARD: Wanda Woodward
During our blog courtship many of you have asked me about my bangs. How do I get them so straight? Did I give up my firstborn to get such perfect bangs? Well first I must tell you a little about my personal history with bangs aka fringe. Like many little girls, Baby Rie Rie sported bangs as a youngin’…
Through the years, I’d grow them out, but they’d make brief appearances from time to time until fully committing to to my forehead in 2004. My favorite era of bangs was 2005-2006. Look at these photos…those bangs are too fresh. IF I MAY SO SO MESELF. Alas, at my side is my BANGS RIVAL at the time, my boo Nicki.
Since then Nicki has distanced herself from the Society of Bangs with a butch do’ but I wistfully hope for her return to us in the future. I mean please. Look at these bangs. Way better than mine. Come back to reclaim your throne, NICOLE!
There was a time when a CERTAIN SOMEBODY convinced me to grow out my bangs and I followed suit for one year (2006-2007 aka The Dark Age). Someday I will chronicle that very lonely time in a novel titled A Year Without Bangs. This blog was being created during that year which is why my Paperdoll has no bangs, but do not fret! That shall be fixed.
So you might be asking yourself, “Are bangs for me?” That’s a question only you and your loved ones (and forehead) can really answer. If you decide to follow the path of Bangs, I am here to guide you through the training and maintenance that I feel is required for this way of life.
You might be wondering what bangs length and style are good for you. Short or long, straight-across or whispy. Personally I like to go short (baby bangs) or super straight with them ending right on top of my eyebrows. Everyone has their own personal ‘bangs-to-eyebrow-ratio’ that is ideal for them. So today I present to you, The Seven Golden Rules of Bangs. I hope they bring you the strength and clarity one must need as a member of the Bangs Society.
Remember, I am here for you my sisters.
SOMEONE I know once cut their bangs with craft scissors and called me for help. I very well know desperate times can call for desperate measures but this is NOT one of those times. You can get a decent pair for about $10 at the beauty supply store or even CVS. Every Bangs Girl must always have a good pair of scissors in her possession. NO EXCUSE!
I know, I know. You’re running late for a date, a show or a seance and those bangs need a trim. I’m sorry Boo, but you’re going to have to put that shit on hold because YOU CANNOT FUCK WITH PRECIOUS BANGS TIME. This is fine art you are about to engage in. Did Da Vinci rush when he painted the Mona Lisa? I don’t think so. ::Googles it:: NO. So hang a “DO NOT DISTURB: BANGS TRIM IN SESSION” sign on the doorknob, light some candles and put on some tunes to serve as your soundtrack to this surgery. I like a bit of 80’s… maybe New Order. Something romantic, mid-tempo and non-distracting. Perhaps even General Public’s “Tenderness.” CAN’T GO WRONG WITH THAT ONE.
EASE IN DERE SON. Start by cutting little by little. I cannot stress this enough. Tie back your weave in a banana clip and comb them suckers down. Make sure they are clean and without product. I find them easier to cut dry rather than damp, that way they won’t shrink up and come out uneven. When you go in for the kill, comb..then cut. LITTLE BY LITTLE! Even those who have years of experience cannot expect to go in like they are Edward Scissorhands. I have been known to do that in the past and ended up with what I call “70’s Satanic Schoolgirl bangs.” Of course that sounds delicious but trust me, you don’t want this shit crooked. OR DO YOU? In that case my words MEAN NOTHING TO YOU. GET OUT!
In the 2005’s, there was an epidemic that hit my crew called Bangorexia. Bangorexia resulted from the immense desire for perfectly even bangs. Some of us went overboard trying to reach this level of perfection and ended up with hideously barren foreheads! This extreme length is not for the faint of heart so always be alert when you are in a session.
You NEVER know what might happen when you are on the field. Wind, rain, makeout sessions. Now that you are card-carrying member of the Bangs Society you better be representing us well at all times. What does this mean? Carry a bangs comb! You can find one for 99 cents! Not one of those short black LICE combs. Scurry! Those give me the coyote shivers. Mary Van Note has a switchblade comb… SIDEBAR WHY DON’T I HAVE ONE MYSELF YET? My favorite bangs comb right now is all gold and VERY BOLD. I also have a pink kids comb with the Marie cat from The Aristocats and many more in my inventory, THANK YOU.
I spray my bangs down with a little hairspray so they don’t get out of place. Reyna taught me this late in my bangs game. If I could tell 24-year old Rie-Rie what I know now, I’d say “Listen b, you better cement that shit down because you are going to be dancing to “Common People” at Bang tonight and you are going to look like a SWEATY HOT MESS.” Also, blow-dry them DOWN and very hot if you are a newbie and need to train your bangs to stop parting. And if I want them more full/Bettie Page looking, I blow-dry the sides of them which plumps up the middle. If I’m sporting my bangs on the longer side, I flat iron them so they are super straight.
Finally, if you are going to have bang game you better have eyebrow game to match! Nothing makes me feel more in tune with the Universe than when I have a fresh bang cut and a newly waxed brow. That combo is UNSTOPPABLE. Like Crockett and Tubbs, Cagney and Lacey and Grey Goose and grenadine!
Remember ladies, the path to Perfect Bangs can be discovered once you harness The Power. Like with many other things in life, practice makes perfect. Just believe in yourself and I know you too will reach Bangs Nirvana.
Photo by Miss Hearse
♥ I’d like to end this Bangs Bible Study by saluting some of my favorite fellow Fringe Sisters: Mary Van Note, Miss Hearse, Loulou Loves You, White Lightning, Mademoiselle Robot, Susie Bubble, I Liked Ginger, Vintage Vandalizm, SlackMistress and Queen Michelle…GREAT WORK LADIES! ♥