Two Word Movie Review: Sucker Punch

I suggest that when you finally decide to watch this movie (on Netflix four months from now or on TBS three years later), put it on mute and enjoy the view, because it is exactly what you’d imagine if all the Legs Avenue Halloween costumes were given an action film. I swear I didn’t expect much. You know I am a simple man of simple pleasures. Hot ladies in glittering thigh highs kicking ass is all I thought I’d need! But if an E! reality show has more of an intriguing plot…well that can kill anyone’s boner!

Also, If Jean-Luc Godard said that “All you need for a movie is a gun and a girl”, then Sucker Punch is the Calvin sticker that just peed all over that quote.

Edit: A little bit later, I thought of this review in the shower and posted it on Twitter:

March 27, 2011   20 Comments

Sorry For Not Blogging, I’ve Been On Vacation With My New Boyfriend

javierandmehangingout

Hey my boos! Sorry I’ve been a bit M.I.A. the past few weeks. I fell crazy in love Beyonce-style so unfortunately AL has suffered. Don’t worry though… I shall be back in two twists of a smurf’s nipple!

P.S. Please don’t think I’m tacky and less classy if I come back covered in hickeys!

March 22, 2011   7 Comments

Thrift Tour: Palm Springs Edition

thrifttour

~BELATED POST DISCLAIMER~

A couple of years ago I tried thrifting in Palm Springs but was unsuccessful. Still, it left me even more intent on finding the hidden gems of secondhand clothing shops in this desert paradise. When I visited the Ace in the summer, I went to The Living Desert and lo and behold, a copious amount of thrift stores were spotted on the drive down. JACKPOT! When I went back to the Ace a couple of months ago, it was obviously not tanning weather so we decided to do the next best thing…THRIFT! And because I love chu all, I made a thrifting treasure map so you can embark on your own Palm Springs Thrift Tour!

Start at the Ace and drive for about 20 minutes or so down Highway 111 and you will see TONS of thrift shops. Scattered throughout Coachella Valley are two major resale chains: Revivals and Angel View Thrift. We also found a few scary hole in the wall places (where you could buy bags filled with used panties… Anyone?) but our best luck was at the aforementioned spots.

bluesweater

This weird cobalt blue half sweatshirt/half knit sweater caught my eye right away. I think I’ll add a cluster of brooches à la Karlito and wear it with leggings and my gold pizza earring for a casual weekday, Claudia Kishi-type of vibe.

thrift tour

My childhood fantasies of being an In Living Color flygirl finally became reality as soon as I put on this multi-colored jacket! I swear my hair suddenly turned into a spiral perm and I immediately started talking in a Rosie Perez accent. Little did I know this was only the beginning of many more outrageous jackets to come.

flygirlshello

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Leyla scored a set of Time-Life books from the 70′s filled with pictures a Tumblr can only dream about. My favorite photos included these of ladies smuggling booze in their boots and dresses during the Prohibition. GALS AFTER MY OWN HEART.

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I told you the jackets were only going to get more majestic during this thrift tour.

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Crazy studded purple suede thang. If only I had a matching church hat and a motorcycle to go with it…PURPLE REIGN.

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Which one of my lucky friends is receiving this horse vest?

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At Angel View there was a great selection of vintage slips. I settled on these two hot pink ones. Love! All in all, we had a pretty good thrift tour and we didn’t even get to all of the shops! Highway 111 really is a paradise for us thrift lovers.

Now as many of you seasoned thrifters know, thrifting is 50% luck and 50% “how can I work this mutha?” so here are a few tips to check yo’self before you wreck yo’self.

  • Be in a relaxed frame of mind because you will definitely need some patience rummaging through these racks of clothes and shelves of tchotchkes.  It can get pretty dangerous out there. The crowds, the smells, the overwhelming sensation of strange hands OMG. You don’t want to have THRIFT RAGE (similar to Road Rage.)
  • Remember to thoroughly check for holes and stains and decide if they could easily be fixed and removed before purchasing. Yes, that cute pastel schoolgirl blouse looks good from here but make sure it doesn’t have YELLOW PITS. I remember when I was in high school during the thrifting prime of the mid 90′s, one of my friends found TOENAIL CLIPPINGS inside one of her thrifted shirt pockets. VOMITROCIA INDEED! So be careful you guys.
  • Wear comfy clothing like leggings and t-shirts you can easily slip skirts and sweaters over to try on since 90% of the time thrift stores don’t have dressing rooms.
  • Be practical about pricing. Thrifting is not as cheap as it used to be so have a budget and know what is worth your wallet. On that note, too bad this work of art was a whopping $95! I would have gladly added it to my collection.

thrift tour

March 9, 2011   15 Comments

Dear John Waters, I Want To Get Drunk With You Already

john waters show outfit

♥ 80′s faux fur coat, Built By Wendy for Target dress, peach socks courtesy of We Love Colors, Jeffrey Campbell shoes from Lulu’s, F21 belt, Lips hat made by Emi for my xmas present last year ♥

john waters show outfit

This is what I wore to John Waters’ “This Filthy World Goes Hollywood” show the other night! Firstly, I just have to say John Waters is a goddamn machine. He is NONSTOP hilarity with his stories! I could throw on a snuggie and listen to him talk for hours! I don’t think I saw him even take a sip of water to clear his throat. How the?! Mr. Waters, seriously let’s just knock back a few dranks and talk shit about everything in the world because this is RIDICULOUS! Secondly, let’s talk about this dress for a minute. Yes, I said Built By Wendy for Target in my outfit notes above. Um…WHAT?! I know. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? This dress is not part of some Built By Wendy for Target collection nor was it available in stores. It was featured in Target’s Red Hot shop a few days before Valentine’s day which means nobody would have been able to even get it in time for Valentine’s. I snatched it up on a day when it was 20% off and free shipping. It was red with little orange hearts, I HAD TO! But where were the press releases? Why didn’t anyone know about this? WHY WERE YOU HIDING THIS FROM US. Another strange thing is there were no price tags on the dress, just a sewn tag that says Built By Wendy. WHAT IN TARNASHIA IS GOING ON YOU GUYS.

john waters show outfit

Anytime I can wear my lips hat is a good time indeed. The show was at UCLA so I can’t expect a parade of fashion, just Uggs and sweats I GUESS. Why are people so boring? Couldn’t someone have dressed up like Divine or made a hat that looked like a literal piece of shit as an ode to Pink Flamingos? I guess it’s going to have to be me next time sporting that fake dook. OMG! With little flies on wires buzzing around it! Imagine! Back to my anger, seriously why don’t people dress up? We are all going to die at some point so you might as well wear a crazy hat, you assholes.

john waters show outfit

KIANA U SNEAK!

john waters show outfit

I got these vintage Japanese opera glasses for Emi and I since we were up in the balcony and besides being cute, they were actually very useful! I was able to spot host Matthew Gray Gubler’s moustache homage to JW from up above! I also fell in love that night with Elvis Perkins, who was the opening musical act. He sounds like Jeff Mangum and is Anthony Perkins’ (yes from Psycho) son. I am ashamed I never knew about him before, but even though I try to know everything that is going on  at all times, some days I listen to too much 90′s Mariah and miss out on gems such as this mang. Ple dew:

February 24, 2011   24 Comments

Getaway Girl Style: True Romance

True Romance

True Romance

It’s been a while since we did a Getaway Girl-style post and what would be a better comeback than True Romance, one of the best action-romance films that has ever been made! Comic book nerd Clarence (Christian Slater!) meets hooker with a heart of gold Alabama (Patricia Arquette) and they fall madly in love while getting caught up in some major Bonnie and Clyde-style drama. After Clarence kills her pimp, played by Gary Oldman in white people dreads, they embark on a road trip to LA with a suitcase of stolen cocaine. Soon after, the star-crossed lovers are chased by both the feds and the mob, but are so hot for each other they basically remain in makeout mode in between all the gunshot fire! I think I speak for many of us when I say underneath this jaded and blackened heart, there is still a dreamy look in my eyes and a longing for a crazy Clarence and Alabama type of romance. A comic book shop clerk/ film buff/ thugaboo like Clarence is my dream man HALLO! LET US SING.

True Romance

True Romance

True Romance

Bringing a lady to a comic shop in the middle of the night: ultimate move of seduction.

True Romance

Does anyone else feel like Gary Oldman was like a wigga version of Snagglepuss in this movie? So glad he was killed off early with those white people dreadlocks! UGH! (NO OFFENSE.)

True Romance

I am so horn for an ensemble cast you guys. Everyone is here! Christopher Walken, Dennis Hopper, Brad Pitt as a STONER,  Tom Sizemore, James Gandolfini (pre-Sopranos era), Michael Rappaport, Bronson Pinchot aka BALKI BARTOKOMOUS! It was written by Tarantino and directed by Tony Scott. I want to ask Patricia Arquette how it was being the only woman on set with all those MENZ.

True Romance

OF COURSE WE GONNA TALK ABOUT HOW STYLIN’ ALABAMA IS!!!

True Romance

I love Alabama Worley so much it hurts! Lots of red and turquoise, animal print everything, cowboy boots, off-the-shoulder blouses, showin’ off them lacy bras. She even keeps those sunglasses on during a major shootout! How chic! I want to dress like her every day of my life!

photo_lrg

True Romance

True Romance

True Romance

True Romance

True Romance

True Romance

True Romance

Also note this chick’s sunglasses…

True Romance

Even their car is hot!

True Romance,

February 24, 2011   13 Comments

Let’s Just Talk About This Weird Ass Bathing Suit Already

During my preparation for my annual retro bathing suit search, I came across this bathing suit on Modcloth and all I could say was @_@. 70′s PORN WOOD PANELING IS DATCHU? Now, I love me some 70′s porn wood paneling, in fact, that is one of the reasons why I bought my Toyota Camry. It has that sexy controversial Calvin Klein ad interior (LUXURIOUS.) But a bathing suit?? Who in the? What in the? I hope the girl who wears this belongs to a swim club with matching walls so she can easily blend into the background if she needs to go undercover. I do love the belt (obviously)…if it were on a different suit! So random.

Sidenote: So bummed Modcloth didn’t use a morning wood pun in their description for this suit :(

February 20, 2011   22 Comments

Ask Marie: Ladyboner Valentines For Your Boos

valentine's sunday

HELLO MY VALENTINES! I got a request through my ‘lil ouija board (posted on the upper right of the blog) by a lovely reader named Alex! She wanted me to do a tutorial on how to make your own valentines. This year I decided to do something extra crazy and make my Ladyboner Valentines into ACCESSORIES!!! OH MY GAWD WHAT IN THE F IS GOIN ON HERE!

valentine's sunday

valentine's sunday
This Mark Ruffalo bracelet is dedicated to Elizabeth

valentine's sunday
Yes that is a Joe Pesci from Goodfellas choker

And here’s my instructional video! Remember…Ladyboner Valentines can be appreciated every day of the year! So if you ever have the urge to make a pair of Javier Bardem earrings (you know I do) feel free to do it gurl.

P.S. Take a peek at Pygmy Hippo Valentine’s post to see some other goodies I like to give my friends (90′s erotic thrillers on dvd)

February 14, 2011   17 Comments

Agent Lover Loves You – Volume III

valentine's sunday
♥Ebay red lace dress, Amiclub heart print wedges, Pygmy Hippo Sweetheart bow

As you can see I found a cute red lace dress like I had wanted…except it’s REAL SLUTTY! But I guess that’s what I should expect for always calling it PUTANA LACE! I kind of have a secret (or not-so-secret) love for showing off a bra once in a while like Alabama Worley (mmyes that is a foreshadowing for my Cinephilia post tomorrow!)

And now here is my third annual Agent Lover Loves You mix! If you missed last years, you can get it here. This time I decided to go all old school naughty, and I mean waaaay old school. Starting off with some dirty blues and ending with some hilarious cochina songs. Enjoy!

Agent Lover Loves You Volume III: Double Entendre, Double The Pleasure

♥Blue Lu Barker – Don’t You Feel My Leg♥
♥Bo Carter – Banana In Your Fruit Basket♥
♥Georgia White – I’ll Keep Sittin’ On It (If I Can’t Sell It)♥
♥Oscar’s Chicago Swingers – New Rubbing On That Darned Old Thing♥
♥Lillie Mae Kirkman – He’ s Just My Size♥
♥Bo Carter – Please Warm My Weiner♥
♥Lucille Bogan – Shave Em’ Dry♥
♥The Blenders – Don’t Fuck Around WIth Love♥
♥Angelina – He Forgot His Rubbers♥
♥Miss Dee – Hey Mister Ice Man!♥
♥Connie Lingus – Fuck Me Forever♥

LUV EWE MY BEWS

February 14, 2011   14 Comments

Bruja Book Club: Role Models By John Waters

Besides the PLETHORA of erotic fiction and paranormal research, my book collection includes a ton of biographies. They also make up my current reading list, which are actually all autobiographies to be exact. I’m more than halfway through reading John Waters’ book, Role Models, which is basically me reading about the role models of one of my role models. My favorite chapter so far is the one on Rei Kawakubo, where Uncle John also has some wise words on thrifting and personal style. This quote by him is one of the greatest things I have ever read:

“You don’t need fashion designers when you are young. Have faith in your own bad taste. Buy the cheapest thing in your local thrift shop – the clothes that are freshly out of style with even the hippest people a few years older than you. Get on the fashion nerves of your peers, not your parents – that is the key to fashion leadership. Ill-fitting is always stylish. But be more creative – wear your clothes inside out, backward, upside down. Throw bleach in a load of colored laundry. Follow the exact opposite of the dry cleaning instructions inside the clothes that cost the most in your thrift shop. Don’t wear jewelry – stick Band-Aids on your wrists or make a necklace out of them. Wear Scotch tape on the side of your face like a bad face-lift attempt. Mismatch your shoes. Best yet, do as Mink Stole used to do: go to the thrift store the day after Halloween, when the children’s trick-or-treat costumes are on sale, buy one, and wear it as your uniform of defiance.”

LISTEN TO THE BRILLIANCE OF UNCLE JOHN-JOHN. He’s also going to be at UCLA in a couple of weeks doing a “one-man vaudeville act” and our favorite ladyboner intelli-hunk of all hunks, Matthew Gray Gubler is hosting. It’s sold out but I was able to score tickets last minute! Look for me in the balcony wearing something obnoxious and Divine-like (the yooj). Last time I saw him live was for his Christmas special in 2005 so I’m extra excited! If you are a fan of this genius among men, you will definitely like Role Models. And to take us into the weekend…here is an embarrassing picture from when I met Uncle John and drew a fake moustache on my finger so I could sneak ‘stache bomb him like the assholia I am. BUT, I was even more stu and brought a PURPLE SHARPIE so it didn’t show up that clearly on camera ::sad fart noise::

February 11, 2011   10 Comments

The Winner Of The Original LOMs Contest OMG

Death of a Cheerleader

First of all, lemme just say that when I first decided to write this post on my Top Ten Lifetime Original Movies I did not think I’d get this much of a response. I mean I know there are a select few of us that have caught a LOM or two in our lives but I didn’t think it was gonna be like this! Even men I know have come forward and expressed their love of the LOM. One even said his favorite was called “What Alice Found.” ABOUT TRUCK STOP PROSTITUTION! AMAZING!

And now it is time to announce the winner of the Death of a Cheerleader dvd (which is not an Ebay bootleg btw, PHEW!) This was seriously the hardest decision of my life you guys. Every entry was so creative and hilar, it was very difficult to choose. But just like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, there can only be one. So to help with my decision I went to the desert on a spiritual quest, wearing only chambray and knotted pearls. I built an altar of candles surrounding framed photos of Marcia Gay Harden and under a full white moon, called upon the spirit of the LOM. Thus, the chosen one was revealed…

JOE YOU ARE THE WINNER!!!!

Here is his entry:

“Mine is called “Thou Shall Not Kill”. Mine is about a group of devout teenage Christians, who will do whatever it takes to make sure their classmates stay celibate. Even kill. It would have been filmed in in the mid ’90s and would star Emily Schulman (aka Harriet from “Small Wonder”) as Sandy Fuller, the Christian girl gone psycho; Cherie Johnson as her partner in crime, Katrina Thomas; and Maureen Flannigan as her slutty arch rival, Samantha Radomski. She’ll sleep w/ anyone to tick “Sandy” off. Including Sandy’s boyfriend, Ronnie Santucci, played by Michael Cade (of “California Dreams”). Watch what happens when lust is stronger than the bible.”

BRILLIANT!! I picked Joe because he used all of my favorite elements to create the perfect LOM:

  • 80′s Child actors trying to break out of their stereotypical roles: Harriet from Small Wonder (my bangs arch-nemesis) Cherie from Punky Brewster and Evie Ethel Garland from Out Of This World.
  • Killer Christians!!!
  • High school scandal
  • and the one that sealed the deal…MICHAEL CADE OF CALIFORNIA DREAMS! How dare you!! That cameo was totally out of left field!

Thanks again to everyone who entered! I wish I could give you all prizes because they were all very LOM-worthy! But don’t fret just yet my pet. I will have more contests in the future where you can win more LOMs!

LUVIN EWE!

February 10, 2011   12 Comments