Category — Cinephilia

THAT’S RIGHT GUYS…I have NOT bailed on my Valley Girls Appreciation “Week” for one second. Without being all “La Excuses,” (my new chola name) sometimes I take a lot longer on movie posts because I like to freshly screencap everything myself. CALL ME OLD FASHIONED, but this is why my friends get pissed at me for not watching their golden scroll of “Marie you better watch this or else!” Netflix movies right away. It’s basically because I am screencapping deep into the night for us! I’m sorry I’m not morally corrupt like the rest of the godforesaken Internet and use any old photo that floats my way! Ok, I know sometimes we have to but that is my last resort, PAPA ROACH! Anyway…BACK to the matter at hand…..

Buffy The Vampire Slayer: THE MOVIE…

I know we all loves to loves the TV show but that and the film were obviously two totally different things. Nobody ever talks about the movie so Rie-Rie has gots to. I can’t help it if my heart has a special place for the OG film starring Kristy Swanson and one COY LUTHER PERRY, and yes that is the real-life, government name of Dylan “Mad, Bad and Dangerous to Know” McKay!

Buffy was a shallow, teenage Valley Girl who spent her time shopping at the mall with her friends and engaging in cheersex with her basketball jock boyfriend…that is until Merrick, played by DONALD SUTHERLAND, declares her to be a Chosen One!!! A SLAYER!

First Buffy is like BITCH, PLE until she begins putting pieces of the puzzle together…her big hairy mole, her erotic vampire dreams…and  starts to think this old mang isn’t trying to pull a fast one on her!

Could it be true? Am I the only hope for the imminent war between us and the undead? YA BEST BELIEVE IT MY DAUGHTER….

Buffy soon starts to train for her role as Slayer! Let me just tell you all something right now. It really bums me out that Merrick is probably never going to come to my door and be like, “Marie, those two moles on your nostrils are a sign that you are a Chosen One. YOU ARE THE SLAYER!!!” and throw a corn on the cob at me which I will catch in between my teeth with cutthroat precision. Real life totally sucks, man. I’m going to have to turn this BS into lemonade and just pretend I am the Slayer during training sessions at my gym. Perhaps that will help me get through those MISERABLE planks.

Good thing she’s learning to fight because David Arquette is HUNGRY 4 BLUD. Pee Wee Herman is in this as a vampire too!

Buffy and Pike are one of my all-time favorite movie couples. They are similar to Randy and Julie in Valley Girl because Pike is from the punk rock side of the tracks and Buffy is Miss Popular. But they have an undeniable chemistry, and soon fall in matching-plaids love…

Yes Luke I still love you and your washboard forehead abs!

Buffy’s friends are such assholes, but I’m seriously into these 90′s fashions. I need all three of these above outfits. And that daisy top (most likely bodysuit) …BETSEY JOHNSON DATCHU??? Can anyone confirm? Sure looks like it.

Into the rainbow plaid blazer on the right….

Also really into that huge flower brooch/denim vest combo on Buffy!

And then there was Buffy’s prom dress: a white halter gown (worn with boots!) which kind of looked like a wedding cake topper until later when it was ripped shorter and worn underneath Pike’s leather jacket. I remember seeing that combo for the first time and being BLOWN AWAY. This spontaneous juxtaposition in her outfit was so EYE-OPENING for me back then. I mean I was eleven and barely learning how to put together an outfit so this was like “WHAT! A FRILLY DRESS AND A MOTORCYCLE JACKET!” Maybe that’s why I wore a fancy princess dress and Docs to my own prom years later. Maybe that’s why I still really like that kind of look today. EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS BECAUSE OF A MOVIE WE KNOW THIS

This part with the goths just KILTS ME DED each time….

One time I went into the bathroom at the Northridge mall and kicked all the doors open like this because I was all germaphobe and it was disgusting. I didn’t know there was a couple of cholitas in there and one of them was threatening me outside of my stall when I was taking a pee. I pretended I didn’t speak English and she left…

If you haven’t watched this original work of art, do so ASAPINGTON. It seriously has the best Valley girl-esque lines ever so LISTEN CAREFULLY then out of the blue tweet me, like “All I wanna do is graduate from high school, move to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die. Now, that may not sound too exciting to a stonehead like you, but I think it’s swell. And then you come along and, and tell me I’m a member of the hairy mole club so you can throw things at me? I don’t THINK so!”

Hello class. Today we are discussing Night of the Comet, a post-apocalyptic comedy about two Valley Girl sisters who have to figure out just what the fucks to do when a comet wipes out most of human existence, turning them into either menstrual-colored dust or…. ZOMBIES! AHHH!!

Luckily the Sisters Belmont are not airheads, but strong, kick-ass muthas who learned to defend themselves and use firearms from their military dad. Isn’t Regina (played by Catherine Mary Stewart) hawt in that Kelly LeBrock-sort of way?

This is her sassy lil’ cheerleading sister, Samantha.

WHOA! Look at who we have here….none other than Tommy from VALLEY GIRL! That scuzzbucket! He plays Regina’s boyfriend, who she’s boning down with when the comet strikes…which is why she doesn’t get exposed to its death glow. SEX SAVES THE DAY (my motto)

Funny enough, that isn’t the only Valley Girl reference in the movie. Because of my superhuman hawk-like eyes, I spotted a Valley Girl poster on the wall as well as Sam holding a VG record in the scene below! I SEE WHAT YOU DOIN’ HERE

After a round of bitchslapping between Sam and her evil stepmother, Sam falls asleep while hiding out in a shed, saving her from becoming period dust as well.

Have I ever told you how I hate taking naps? Especially in the afternoon? The reason is because I usually wake up disoriented with a sad and looming feeling, like the apocalypse happened while I was asleep and now I am RIDING SOLO like Regina and Sam.

Not only are they alone and on the search for other survivors, but now they have to defend themselves against ZOMBIES! I hate zombies you guys, ESPECIALLY the ones that can run after you!  Don’t get it twisted, I’m still scared of those slow-motion zombies too…(p.s. I need to catch up on the new Walking Dead!)

In a scene similar to Dawn of the Dead‘s, the sisters eventually make their way to a deserted mall and go on a shopping spree, trying on clothes and makeup while dancing to some “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.” SHOPPING SPREE IN A DESERTED MALL….EVERY GIRL’S DREAM. I enjoy movies about peeps being stuck in a mall. Someday I will write a movie for us about being stuck in a Target overnight.

Predictably, the girls run into trouble once again…but they be some badasses and find their way out until the next predicament…

LOVIN’ YOU REG AND SAM! PS… If you have Netflix Instant, it is available to watch here!

♥ My favorite VG on the right: EG Daily! ♥

If you’ve hung out around in the Agent Lover lair for awhile, you may have noticed how much I love valley girls and anything related to them. So this week is….ALL ABOUT VALLEY GIRLS!  That means we will be talking about valley girl-themed movies, favorite famous VG’s and other totally tubular stuff! In the meantime, why not take a trip back  to my posts on my fave movies, Valley Girl (duh) and Earth Girls Are Easy, as well as my interview with singer Josie Cotton from Valley Girl!

♥ I have to say it always pissed me off that the poster for Valley Girl did NOT have the real girl Deborah Foreman on it! Who was this imposter?? ♥

But that’s not all dudes and dudettes… we are kickin’ this thang off with a totally awesome giveaway! The winner will receive Valley Girl on DVD (although I’m sure ALL OF YOU have it already!) and I’ve also paired up with We Love Colors to give away a couple of my favorite items: 2 pairs of their knee socks and 2 pairs of their Nylon/Lycra Microfiber Tights ( Styles #1053 or #1008) ! All you have to do is leave a comment below and I’ll pick the winner on Friday! Gag me with a spoon you muthas!

EDIT: I ended up getting really sick this past week so we will resume VGW on Monday! I will keep comments open until Sunday night and I’ll choose the winner on Monday. Sorry for the delay everyone!

Have you ever decided to watch a movie based on a font? I have. And that movie was Girly aka Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny & Girly. A MOUTHFUL, I KNOW. No wonder they shortened it! Take a look at that flowery pink font and try and say it’s not a siren call to my girlish instincts. I’ve seen this movie around peripherally, as Netflix loves to recommend me movies about evil girls in pretty dresses (aside from strong black woman movies or demented foreign flicks.)

Girly is a 1970 British horror film about a murderous family, focused on the pretty blonde Faux-lita known as Girly. With her Lisbon sister-esque locks, Girly only looks innocent, but don’t be fooled by that angelic face, this bitch is MAJOR TROUBLE! YA BETTA RUN!

Girly and her brother, Sonny, like to pretend they are schoolchildren and play pranks on unsuspecting older men. The men are lured back home where they are expected to “play The Game.” If they choose not to partake in whatever activity Girly and her family have planned for them, the menz will soon meet an UNKIND CONSEQUENCE.

Naturally, Girly’s Peter Pan-collared dresses, knee socks and frilly button-ups speak to my style. I’m really into her color combinations, especially the brown and I ALMOST NEVA fux wit no dookie brown. I especially love the navy and brown combo you can see in the photo below. Does anyone get Rachel Antonoff and Dear Creature vibes here?

I need this skirt and white blouse! Complete with axe of course.

The real diva is of the house is Mumsy. Dressed up all fancy just to knit a scarf in her rocking chair! Now that is a true style icon right there.

Here’s a photo for the all the girls who like dudes in bowties. I’m with you, but then again, I love all men in everything.

The Ultimate Lurker: Nanny!

While on the hunt for my birthday dress (which is this Sunday as you already know I’m sure) I came across this PERFECT Girly pinafore on ASOS. So cute!

Forgot to post this two weeks ago but I’m thinking better late than never. And I know it is an obvious word choice but it is what left my lips when the credits started to roll. FROM MY LIPS 2 GAWDZ EARS!!!!!

Drive has all the elements that satiate my HORN LEVELS. Ryan Gosling X Fast and The Furious…you know I loves my car movies. The leather gloves. Kavinsky on the soundtrack. Christina Hendricks with a bamboo earrin’ and a gold minx manicure. And then of course….ALL OF THE BLOODY VIOLENCE!!! Total p-no, my dudes. And there isn’t even a sex scene!

A final warning to anyone, male OR female who dares mimic “Driver” for Halloween with that Scorpion jacket…do not be surprised if a 5’2 Filitaliana girl dressed like a _______ (sorry costume is confidential) attempts to spontaneously dry hump you out of nowhere. You’ll only have yourself to blame.

Being a girly girl (with some dude-like tendencies), the makeover montage has to be one of my favorite types of movie scenes. Usually consisting of a bespectacled bookworm turning into a hottie homecoming queen, the trick to success lies in the colorful sequence of makeup, hair and wardrobe chaos, as well as the perfect choice of song to accompany it. Now that you’re probably too scared to go to sleep due to Ashe’s list of scary movies, it’s time to sit back, relax and ease your mind with my Top Ten Makeover Movie Scenes! I’ll be right back though, gotta use the restroom. ::freezes all of your bras:::

Earth Girls Are Easy - I’ve talked about our favorite movie before, but this has one of the best beauty salon makeover scenes ever caught on film. The nails are did, the hair is bleached and and our favorite alien-loving, Olympic archer Geena Davis goes from Top Ramen mop top to California sunshine blonde. The makeover doesn’t last long, but the scene is a must watch!

Jawbreaker -  First of all, I know some of you have wondered “Why hasn’t Jawbreaker been meticulously examined on Agentlover.com yet? Was it not one of the most important 90′s teen movies ever?” Sorry my dudettes, it’s really only because I have a stolen bootleg Blockbuster VHS and keep forgetting to Netflix it. FYI I didn’t steal this tape, I think…ANYWAY I’ll have the full film up soon. But right now, let’s talk about Fern Mayo aka one of the best nerd names I have ever heard. This makeover is particularly impressive because it’s not a simple “get contacts and brush her hair”-type of makeover. She goes through a total transformation!

She’s Out of Control - Tony Danza’s geeky daughter played by Ami Dolenz, ditches her bottlecap glasses for a walk on the wild side of teenage life. Her post-makeover reveal is unforgettable. She practically floats down the stairs in slow motion to Frankie Avalon’s “Venus,” which basically is what happens every time yours truly walks down a flight of stairs as well. (o)(o)

Never Been Kissed – Drew B. plays a journalist who gets a second chance at being a teenager when she goes undercover at a high school. Still tormented by her awkward adolescence, she enters a cafeteria scene wearing white feathers, white jeans and an overdone hairdo. This movie gives me total nerd chills which means Drew did a great job as a queen of dorks. She ultimately finds her confidence and ends up in the arms of MR. MICHAEL VAUGHN FROM ALIAS! That scene where he kisses her and The Beach Boys’ “Don’t Worry Baby” starts playing? I think we all want that moment to happen in our own lives.

She’s All That - There was a time when Rachael Leigh Cook and Freddie Prinze Jr. were the late 90′s versions of Molly Ringwald and John Cusack…just kidding! THEY WISH. Whatta jerk, Marie. It’s ok, because we still gots love for them and long for those days. Luckily we have movies like She’s All That to remind us of Usher’s roots when he was a high school DJ who leads us all into an embarrassing synchronized dance scene.  Rachael’s character had one of those ~easy makeovers~ because all she did was chop her long weave into a bob and get contacts and a pushup bra. That’s actually the same makeover I had in the early 00′s except I got contacts, a Victoria’s Secret Very Sexy pushup bra and grew my Velma bob out. Sidenote: Paul Walker is in this (yes that is my second Fast and the Furious mention this week) as well as none other than Lil’ Kim!

The Devil Wears Prada - At first, I was going to include The Princess Diaries in this list but instead decided Anne Hathaway’s later, plain-Jane-to-pretty-lady movie was better since it’s all about FASH-UN. Anne’s character had an easy makeover as well. She just brushed her hair and was given a closet full of designer threads by Stanley Tucci’s character. HATECHU! Hmm..didn’t he essentially play the same role in Burlesque btw?

Mean Girls - Ah yes, Lohan’s swan song.  Her character was home-schooled in Africa then enters…public high school! Quelle Horror! She makes friends with the popular girls known as The Plastics and adopts their dress code which includes rules such as “Wear pink on Wednesdays and colored shoes on Mondays.” Imagine if people really had dress codes like that…convincing people to wear nothing but dresses, red lipstick, winged eyeliner and bangs…HOW RUDE.

Pretty Woman – Remember when thigh-high boots were the jam a year or two ago? Even Madonna and The Real Housewives wore them, but back in the days of Pretty Woman, those shoes would have never been caught near Rodeo Drive! Vivian Ward (Julia Roberts) goes from wayward hooker to classy lady with the help of Hector Elizondo and Richard Gere’s wallet. This has the best shopping revenge scene. Snobby store clerks are the worst! Don’t forget…”I say who, I say when, I say HOW MUCH!”

The House Bunny – I wasn’t sure if this was the right movie for me until I saw that scene where Anna Faris does that scary demon voice and said “LEMME WATCH DAT.” Shelley (Faris) gets kicked out of the Playboy Mansion so she becomes a sorority den mother in order to have a place to crash. But the sorority is FILLED WITH NERDS!! To help them attract more pledges, Shelley gives all the girls in the house a Playboy bunny makeover. I especially like Rumer Willis’ bedazzled body brace. Sidenote: Colin Hanks plays Shelley’s love interest. Roswell! Tapatio!

Clueless – Last but not least..we have the crème de la crème of makeover movies: CLUELESS! “Cher’s main thrill in life is a makeover , it gives her a sense of control in a world full of chaos.” With that manifesto, we can only expect a flawless makeover montage. Tai (RIP Brittany) goes from grunge to gorge when she is inducted into Cher and Dionne’s fashion-centric teenage world. I have so much to say about this movie. After all, I was fifteen when it came out! But we will go into deep discussion at a more appropriate time, mi amigas.

If you were in your own makeover montage, what would it look like? What song would be playing?

Now that we’ve ~loosened up~ with a little drinking game at Ashe’s blog, it’s time to grab our pillows and gather ’round to talk about our favorite topic in life…OUR CRUSHES!

Dylan McKay, Joey “WHOA” Lawrence, the whole cast of The Lost Boys, Jonathan Brandis (R.I.P.), Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez…we really could go on forever about the Tiger Beat cover boys who stole our hearts.  You always had to “call dibs” on your favorite Corey, Brat Pack member or New Kid because it was taboo to have the same celebrity crush as your best friend. Don’t worry, when you become an “adult,” it’s totally fine to fawn over Javier Bardem with your bff but HANDS OFF John Staymoist. OK. Anyway, from time to time, I enjoy doing a little Goog’ to find out what happened to my favorite movie star crush. I usually regret it instantly because most of the time they turned out to be something scary like a tanorexic guido. OH WELL.

My dream mangwich has always consisted of the COOLEST DUDES EVER:

FERRIS BUELLER AND PARKER LEWIS HALLOW FANTASY THREESOME. So obvious for me no? Do they make these guys in real life? Sidebar: this post took me way too long to write because I got caught up in this amazing gallery of Parker Lewis’ funky shirt collection! Thank you Corin Nemec for displaying this so nicely on your website. And pardon me while I add Parker Lewis Can’t Lose Seasons 1 & 2 on my Netflix to reunite with right after my Fast and the Furious marathon (that’s a story for another time.)

Now I’m sure most of the hunks I’ve mentioned were scotch-taped to your lockers, but what about the ones that you were too embarrassed to talk about because they were… “too weird”? And maybe you didn’t realize HOW WEIRD they were until you got older, woke up one day and asked yourself, “Why the f did I daydream so romantically about Egon from the cartoon version of Ghostbusters?!” YES I SAID CARTOON

Another weird one of mine was Doc Brown in Back to the Future. Okay. OBVIOUSLY I have a thing for geniuses, you guys. I did like Steve Martin too…is it the silver foxiness? I must say, none of my oddball crushes can match the one Shaun confessed to me long ago…

That’s right. This mutha told me he was attracted to the DEVIL from Legend. SCARY!!! Because, in his words: “HELLO He has a hot body! Mmm delicious…”

I wish I still had the old Myspace page I had created in the mid 2000′s exclusively for our STRANGE CRUSHES. Everyone had confessed their secret loves! Sadly it is gone. So let’s make new memories of our old memories everyone! Tell me your favorite old school crushes and please include your strange, sick, humiliating ones. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you. How can a girl who had schoolgirl affections for none other than Rick Moranis ever throw a sideeye at chu? Nothing but love here on ol’ AL.com, nothing but love….

The Hairpin posted an article I wrote on the THREE made-for-TV movies about the Amy Fisher/Joey Buttafuoco scandal from the early nineties. Ple lurq it here. Maybe you can make a Long Island Lolita cocktail to drink while you read! It could basically be a Long Island Iced Tea but with a single cherry…

I suggest that when you finally decide to watch this movie (on Netflix four months from now or on TBS three years later), put it on mute and enjoy the view, because it is exactly what you’d imagine if all the Legs Avenue Halloween costumes were given an action film. I swear I didn’t expect much. You know I am a simple man of simple pleasures. Hot ladies in glittering thigh highs kicking ass is all I thought I’d need! But if an E! reality show has more of an intriguing plot…well that can kill anyone’s boner!

Also, If Jean-Luc Godard said that “All you need for a movie is a gun and a girl”, then Sucker Punch is the Calvin sticker that just peed all over that quote.

Edit: A little bit later, I thought of this review in the shower and posted it on Twitter:

It’s been a while since we did a Getaway Girl-style post and what would be a better comeback than True Romance, one of the best action-romance films that has ever been made! Comic book nerd Clarence (Christian Slater!) meets hooker with a heart of gold Alabama (Patricia Arquette) and they fall madly in love while getting caught up in some major Bonnie and Clyde-style drama. After Clarence kills her pimp, played by Gary Oldman in white people dreads, they embark on a road trip to LA with a suitcase of stolen cocaine. Soon after, the star-crossed lovers are chased by both the feds and the mob, but are so hot for each other they basically remain in makeout mode in between all the gunshot fire! I think I speak for many of us when I say underneath this jaded and blackened heart, there is still a dreamy look in my eyes and a longing for a crazy Clarence and Alabama type of romance. A comic book shop clerk/ film buff/ thugaboo like Clarence is my dream man HALLO! LET US SING.

Bringing a lady to a comic shop in the middle of the night: ultimate move of seduction.

Does anyone else feel like Gary Oldman was like a wigga version of Snagglepuss in this movie? So glad he was killed off early with those white people dreadlocks! UGH! (NO OFFENSE.)

I am so horn for an ensemble cast you guys. Everyone is here! Christopher Walken, Dennis Hopper, Brad Pitt as a STONER,  Tom Sizemore, James Gandolfini (pre-Sopranos era), Michael Rappaport, Bronson Pinchot aka BALKI BARTOKOMOUS! It was written by Tarantino and directed by Tony Scott. I want to ask Patricia Arquette how it was being the only woman on set with all those MENZ.

OF COURSE WE GONNA TALK ABOUT HOW STYLIN’ ALABAMA IS!!!

I love Alabama Worley so much it hurts! Lots of red and turquoise, animal print everything, cowboy boots, off-the-shoulder blouses, showin’ off them lacy bras. She even keeps those sunglasses on during a major shootout! How chic! I want to dress like her every day of my life!

Also note this chick’s sunglasses…

Even their car is hot!

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