That’s right, darlins. You know what time it is….::spread legs slowly and drops into a Chinese splits::: For NAILZ WEEK, we are starting out with 1995’s Worst Film… Showgirls! Now, I didn’t plan doing a DEEP ANALYZATION of this movie at first. For shame, I know. But I recently watched it for the first time in probably a decade and felt compelled to write about it. I immediately applied superglue to my nipple tassels and pressed firmly, took out my bejeweled monocle, and studied each scene VERY INTENSELY. And just as I suspected… it is even more amazing now than it has ever been before! Says my always questionable taste, I’M SURE.

We start off with Nomi Malone, (played by Saved by the Bell‘s Jessie Spano//author of teen advice book Ask Elizabeth, Elizabeth Berkeley) hitchhiking to Las Vegas in the most obscenely gorgeous fringe motorcycle jacket.


Ahhh, the Luxor. I stayed there once. It’s kind of fuzzy, but I do recall someone ordering a $90 bottle of Captain Morgan rum from room service, and a dude friend and my ex bf robo-tripping, then I walked into the bathroom and one of them was sitting in the tub pulling his hair out or something weird like that.

Nomi ends up making friends and roomies with one of my favorite characters, Molly, who’s totally like a Vegas version of Janet Jackson in Poetic Justice.

Nomi has MANY talents…including doing her own NAILZ! While watching this, I fantasized that at the end of Showgirls, it segues into a crossover with my favorite movie Beauty Shop, and Nomi ends up being hired by Queen Latifah’s character to work in her salon and she becomes a star manicurist. CAN U SEE IT? I can.

In order to make ends meet until she ~becomes a star~, Nomi ends up working at Cheetahs, a totally gross and seedy strip bar.

Her pervertio boss is one of the Fratelli bros (from Goonies, you a-holes)! I SEE U

If they ever do a Showgirls musical, I’d want to play the gnarly Henrietta “Mama” Bazoom. “You’re the only one who can get my tits poppin’ right!”

Ahh…entrar La Queen Chola…CRISTAL CONNORS. Cristal, named after the champagne of course, is thee star dancer of “Goddess,” which is the Stardust’s big, cheesy, topless revue. It was based on a similar show in Las Vegas called “Jubilee!” that I forced my friends to take me to for my 21st birthday. OF COURSE I would…

Gina Gershon is so hot you guys. I know I am not the only one who is Gay4Gershon.

Even in her rhinestone-studded, cocaine cowgirl outfit, I am totally in love.

SOUND THE DIVA ALARM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look at Kyle Maclachlan’s hairdo in this. What a merf. Also, remember when horseshoe rings were all the rage?

Cristal ends up getting Nomi an audition for “Goddess,” which she wins.

Everyone looks hot in a black bob with red lipstick IMHO.

Cristal likes to frequently taunt Nomi by calling her a “whore,” which results in a similar reaction as when Biff would call Marty McFly “chicken” in Back to the Future. You don’t do that unless you want THE WRATH coming for you. But the reason Cristal does it, is because she’s secretly HORN for Nomi and likes to push her buttons. Are you guys familiar with HATEHORN? It’s when you basically hate someone, but at the same time you’re totally turned on by them. The Internet modern times are perf for HATEHORN because you’d be like ‘I HATE THAT FUCKER I HOPE HE/SHE GETS EATEN BY A BEAR!!!’ but then you look at their Facebook/Insta/Twitter/blog all horny. (FYI Let me know if you have hatehorn for me with the email subject: HATEHORN.)

Nomi, fueled by her desire to be the star of the show and fed up with Cristal’s constant hatehorn bullying, finally snaps and pushes Cristal down the stairs. And WHY hasn’t Lifetime secured the rights to this film yet btw so I can watch it otra vez y otra vez? The suits don’t want to spend $$$ on getting Paula Abdul to sub for Cristal so they ‘take a gamble’ and give Nomi the coveted position.


Well, well, well…OF COURSE he would prey on the new celebrity. Do you SEE these glitter stripes in her hair btw? New trend for fall, I hope.

One thing I really appreciate about Nomi is that she truly knows the beauty of enjoying a cheeseburger in otherwise dire situations. “I’m a nobody who hitchhiked to Vegas with just the jacket on my back? Who cares, let me eat this cheeseburger while riding in a convertible with the top down!!!”

“I’m now a famous star in a huge show but the path I chose to get here was filled with lies and corruption! Who cares? Let me eat this cheeseburger and enjoy the view.”

After a really hard scene to watch where Molly gets brutally raped by some Fabio-looking musician that she worships and his yes-men, our unlikely heroine Nomi, goes out to seek revenge. Of course she does her nails first.

Don’t fucks with Nomi Malone, Fabio!

I’m really into revenge on film, especially when it comes in the form of a violent thigh-high, stiletto boot-stomping. Curious why the director didn’t choose to have a little blood splatter on Nomi’s face in this scene to make it more disturbing.

My favorite face of hers. Like letting out a satisfying fart.

Nomi ends up paying Cristal a visit in the hospital, apologizing for her actions but Cristal admits to doing the same in the past. Fame, fame, fatal fame. It can play hideous tricks to the brain….they share a long-awaited LIPLOCK. Nomi gets her Jordana chola brown lipstick all over Cristal’s face. Horny!

And off goes Nomi THE DRIFTER…onto her next adventure. The end.