Nailz Week Icons: Showgirls (1995)

That’s right, darlins. You know what time it is….::spread legs slowly and drops into a Chinese splits::: For NAILZ WEEK, we are starting out with 1995′s Worst Film… Showgirls! Now, I didn’t plan doing a DEEP ANALYZATION of this movie at first. For shame, I know. But I recently watched it for the first time in probably a decade and felt compelled to write about it. I immediately applied superglue to my nipple tassels and pressed firmly, took out my bejeweled monocle, and studied each scene VERY INTENSELY. And just as I suspected… it is even more amazing now than it has ever been before! Says my always questionable taste, I’M SURE.

We start off with Nomi Malone, (played by Saved by the Bell‘s Jessie Spano//author of teen advice book Ask Elizabeth, Elizabeth Berkeley) hitchhiking to Las Vegas in the most obscenely gorgeous fringe motorcycle jacket.

I CUT YOU MANG!

Ahhh, the Luxor. I stayed there once. It’s kind of fuzzy, but I do recall someone ordering a $90 bottle of Captain Morgan rum from room service, and a dude friend and my ex bf robo-tripping, then I walked into the bathroom and one of them was sitting in the tub pulling his hair out or something weird like that.

Nomi ends up making friends and roomies with one of my favorite characters, Molly, who’s totally like a Vegas version of Janet Jackson in Poetic Justice.

Nomi has MANY talents…including doing her own NAILZ! While watching this, I fantasized that at the end of Showgirls, it segues into a crossover with my favorite movie Beauty Shop, and Nomi ends up being hired by Queen Latifah’s character to work in her salon and she becomes a star manicurist. CAN U SEE IT? I can.

In order to make ends meet until she ~becomes a star~, Nomi ends up working at Cheetahs, a totally gross and seedy strip bar.

Her pervertio boss is one of the Fratelli bros (from Goonies, you a-holes)! I SEE U

If they ever do a Showgirls musical, I’d want to play the gnarly Henrietta “Mama” Bazoom. “You’re the only one who can get my tits poppin’ right!”

Ahh…entrar La Queen Chola…CRISTAL CONNORS. Cristal, named after the champagne of course, is thee star dancer of “Goddess,” which is the Stardust’s big, cheesy, topless revue. It was based on a similar show in Las Vegas called “Jubilee!” that I forced my friends to take me to for my 21st birthday. OF COURSE I would…

Gina Gershon is so hot you guys. I know I am not the only one who is Gay4Gershon.

Even in her rhinestone-studded, cocaine cowgirl outfit, I am totally in love.

SOUND THE DIVA ALARM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look at Kyle Maclachlan’s hairdo in this. What a merf. Also, remember when horseshoe rings were all the rage?

Cristal ends up getting Nomi an audition for “Goddess,” which she wins.

Everyone looks hot in a black bob with red lipstick IMHO.

Cristal likes to frequently taunt Nomi by calling her a “whore,” which results in a similar reaction as when Biff would call Marty McFly “chicken” in Back to the Future. You don’t do that unless you want THE WRATH coming for you. But the reason Cristal does it, is because she’s secretly HORN for Nomi and likes to push her buttons. Are you guys familiar with HATEHORN? It’s when you basically hate someone, but at the same time you’re totally turned on by them. The Internet modern times are perf for HATEHORN because you’d be like ‘I HATE THAT FUCKER I HOPE HE/SHE GETS EATEN BY A BEAR!!!’ but then you look at their Facebook/Insta/Twitter/blog all horny. (FYI Let me know if you have hatehorn for me with the email subject: HATEHORN.)

Nomi, fueled by her desire to be the star of the show and fed up with Cristal’s constant hatehorn bullying, finally snaps and pushes Cristal down the stairs. And WHY hasn’t Lifetime secured the rights to this film yet btw so I can watch it otra vez y otra vez? The suits don’t want to spend $$$ on getting Paula Abdul to sub for Cristal so they ‘take a gamble’ and give Nomi the coveted position.

VICTORY IS MINE!!!!

Well, well, well…OF COURSE he would prey on the new celebrity. Do you SEE these glitter stripes in her hair btw? New trend for fall, I hope.

One thing I really appreciate about Nomi is that she truly knows the beauty of enjoying a cheeseburger in otherwise dire situations. “I’m a nobody who hitchhiked to Vegas with just the jacket on my back? Who cares, let me eat this cheeseburger while riding in a convertible with the top down!!!”

“I’m now a famous star in a huge show but the path I chose to get here was filled with lies and corruption! Who cares? Let me eat this cheeseburger and enjoy the view.”

After a really hard scene to watch where Molly gets brutally raped by some Fabio-looking musician that she worships and his yes-men, our unlikely heroine Nomi, goes out to seek revenge. Of course she does her nails first.

Don’t fucks with Nomi Malone, Fabio!

I’m really into revenge on film, especially when it comes in the form of a violent thigh-high, stiletto boot-stomping. Curious why the director didn’t choose to have a little blood splatter on Nomi’s face in this scene to make it more disturbing.

My favorite face of hers. Like letting out a satisfying fart.

Nomi ends up paying Cristal a visit in the hospital, apologizing for her actions but Cristal admits to doing the same in the past. Fame, fame, fatal fame. It can play hideous tricks to the brain….they share a long-awaited LIPLOCK. Nomi gets her Jordana chola brown lipstick all over Cristal’s face. Horny!

And off goes Nomi THE DRIFTER…onto her next adventure. The end.

17 comments

1 Zero Style { 09.03.12 at 4:40 pm }

OMG. this might be my new favorite showgirls related thing on the entire internet. thank u for featuring these Very Important Nailz.
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2 Ingrid Henny { 09.03.12 at 4:53 pm }

Can we PLEASE finally talk about how boxy her butt is? I’m not saying necessarily *bad* things about her, Jessy Spano is in great shape bleh bleh bleh, but her butt is a perfect box.
Also, if you’re lucky enough to see this on network TV (ie no naught werds or bits), they sometimes superimpose a bra and underboos in Nomi and it’s the BEST.
Oh, and can we PLEASE also talk about the anatomically impossible/gross pool sex? GRRL. You’re gonna get an infection from Agent Dale Cooper. LOOKOUT.
Ingrid Henny recently posted…A list of Toddler Time Read-Alouds in which I just list Very Hungry Caterpillar Over and Over Again Until You Give Up HopeMy Profile

3 marie { 09.03.12 at 4:54 pm }

Yay! We got NAILZ all week girl!

4 marie { 09.03.12 at 4:56 pm }

I was going to mention two things in this post that I edited out: #1 that I saw it once on VH1 and LOL’d at the superimposed bras and #2 some dude I was seeing wanted to “reenact the pool scene in Showgirls” with me. I was like WAT. OK

5 Ingrid Henny { 09.03.12 at 5:07 pm }

She like…could have…if Agent Dale Cooper’s no-nos were in his chest…I hope you gave that guy the keys to the street.
Ingrid Henny recently posted…A list of Toddler Time Read-Alouds in which I just list Very Hungry Caterpillar Over and Over Again Until You Give Up HopeMy Profile

6 Mary { 09.03.12 at 5:22 pm }

awesome, my all time favorite movie!
Mary recently posted…Movie Review: Perfect SenseMy Profile

7 Danielle { 09.03.12 at 6:31 pm }

Let’s make glitter hair stripes happen!
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8 Joelle { 09.04.12 at 10:37 am }

This is, without shame, one of my top 10 favorite movies of all time. It’s also one of the worst movies ever, second only, perhaps, to Freeway 2: Confessions of a Trick Baby, which if you haven’t seen, you really need to get on that ish. Loved this post. xo
Joelle recently posted…Breathing Into a Paper Bag, Just a Little.My Profile

9 Dinah { 09.04.12 at 11:28 am }

VER-SASE! Freakin love this movie. I had such a boner for Kyle Maclachlan and his stupid hair after that pool scene. Total HATEHORN.

10 Dolly Dahl { 09.04.12 at 11:45 am }

Gurrrrrl you NAILED this post. BUAHAH. Seriously we own Showgirls on Blu-Ray. Yes that’s right, HD Nailz all the way. We use this movie as a way to screen potential friends. If you don’t get the beautiful misery that is Showgirls WE CANNOT BE FRIENDS.
My favorite scene is the dying fish orgasm scene. Oh yeah you know which one I’m talking about. Best Ever.

We love it so much we named one of our dogs Nomi Malone. She’s a pit bull mix of course, just like her namesake!

Cheeseburgers and Ver-sase bitches!
xoxox
Dolly

11 claire { 09.04.12 at 3:20 pm }

I’ve never seen this, but I want to now! I love your film reviews!
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12 Christina { 09.04.12 at 5:08 pm }

This made me laugh so hard! I’m HATEHORN for Gershon because my boyfriend has to straighten his tie and shit every time she pops up on a screen, but secretly I straightens my tie, too. you know?
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13 LulusLemons { 09.05.12 at 3:27 pm }

A boy in my Camp class wrote a paper on Nomi’s nail art.

14 Liz { 09.06.12 at 12:02 pm }

I seriously love Showgirls, but it is just tooooo long. I much prefer watching it edited for TV, which not only makes it a more managable length, but I get to imagine the person who had to animate all those bras in order to censor it. Oh man, Showgirls is amazing! I hope the nail art craze started as a result of Showgirls cosplay. It did, right?

15 Amelia { 09.10.12 at 10:58 pm }

Thank you for this ridiculously amazing post. I really need to find this to watch now.

16 SexandFury { 09.20.12 at 10:53 am }

I AM OBSESSED WITH SHOWGIRLS!
The Nails! The Chips! The Dancing/convulsions!

Have you seen Showgirls 2 yet? Because you should. It is very very worth it!
Penny/Hope from the original (Rena Riffel) wrote, directed, and starred in it. ….It was just released this year.
http://www.showgirls2movie.com/

17 Book Log, 1 | hometown unicorn { 10.03.13 at 5:41 pm }

[…] I know this is a thing for a lot of straight women, but I have a huge crush on Gina Gershon (#gay4gershon). Turns out, she is a supreme goddess AND a cat lady! In Search of Cleo is a memoir about the […]

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