Posts from — August 2009

[photo by Maggie Donahue]

They say behind every fabulous woman is a fabulous gay man, and a girl like me has probably gone through as many gay boyfriends as straight ones. Throughout the years it has been proven there can ONLY BE ONE… and my own gay Highlander is my bff Shaun. After meeting a decade ago in dance class, we bonded over our Libra charm (wink), an interest in the occult, Bjork, John Waters and a million other things. We became travel partners as well as best pals, and from London to Beijing, Shaun has been at my side like my personal guardian gayngel. When I recently asked him if he would ever bring his long luxurious braid extensions back (sported during our days of ahem…adventurous hairdos in ’99), he informed me that the braids have gone to “hair heaven”. I do wish he gave me one though, so I could scotch-tape it into a memory book like my mom did with my baby belly button. SICK, but totally true. Anyway, since I know not every sexy mama (or menz) has the luxury of having a Shaun in her or his life, I am happy to lend him  and his sage advice over to you for assistance or even just to answer any gay-related questions. Ask A Gay is a new ongoing feature aaaand if you would also like a lesbian bff’s point of view, I have one to offer you too! I do love a variety of condiments and you can say I love the same in my friends! Let’s see The Shaun give it to you straight (I mean forward…NEVER STRAIGHT)!

+ Tony asks… “I’d love to get some gay guy fashion tips”

The key is don’t under or overdo it! You can always tell when someone is trying too hard to categorize themselves as a specific style or genre. And the last thing you want to be is a poser. Try to wear things you feel comfortable in, while still looking presentable and hip. In other words, find your own style and run with it! This means wearing fitted pants/jeans, shirts, and clean nice looking shoes. This doesn’t mean wearing shirts with stains of any kind or holes, sleeveless shirts, muscle tanks or muscle shirts (unless you have muscles and want to be perceived as a gay man), obscenely baggy pants, and dirty or beat up looking Converse and kicks – ESPECIALLY with dressy clothes. VOM!

Remember, girls DO look at a man’s shoes. And if they are shitty… lets just say you and your bed or backseat will not be getting any action, unless it’s an one-sided conversation as friends while she drops all of her ex boyfriend baggage on you all night.

+ Kevin asks… “I wear a lot of black, but don’t want to be stigmatized as a moody goth kid. What would you recommend for subtle color accents?”

I always love the way red, turquoise/teal, a pale green, yellow, and of course pink look with black. However, you strike me as a dude who already wears red and pink with black on occasion. You could maybe find funky patterns with these colors, possibly mixed with white; as scarfs, shirts, pants, or even shoes and the black will make these colors POP. And everyone will want to fuck you.

+ Gilda asks… “What happens if 2 bottoms or 2 tops fall in love? does that ever happen? and How do u tell who’s a bottom or top?

Well, my dear – this is a tough one. I would consider it to be very rare for two tops or two bottoms to fall in love. Since gays, like straights, usually have preference of what type of man or woman they are attracted to. However, not all gays have anal sex. Some strictly enjoy oral sex or mutual masturbation, which in these cases it is very possible for two men with the same level of masculinity could end up falling in love and having a completely successful relationship. Also, there are men who are versatile and will play either or in the sack. I have friends that were versatile, but will conform to what the other person prefers if they define themselves as one or the other.

As far as, how can you tell? Fantasies for one thing, but you don’t really know for sure unless you try it. And I guess I could relate it to straight sexual partners is the sense that after adequate amount of exploration, you begin to figure out your favorite positions, turn-ons, g-spot locations, etc.

+ Levon asks… “My question is about why the fuck do so many gay guys think I’m an approachable gay guy when I’m actually straight?”

It almost sounds as though you find this a little disconcerting, maybe that’s too strong of a word, hows about troubling? Now I don’t know you at all, but you might be more of a sensitive soul, who has an appreciation for art, music, film, and possibly literature. You also may or may not have slight feminine mannerisms; at least a tad more than your average uncultured beer bong drinking, burping, farting, flame shirt wearing, Limp Bizkit listening, Dane Cook following, inarticulate, obnoxious straight male.

The good gays FLOCK to men that are intelligent and actually capable of opening their mouths to speak without a slice of shit-pie falling out. And if you are easy to talk to and somewhat attractive, well you are now a gay magnet! You shouldn’t consider this as a setback. If anything, you should allow it to be an ego boost. “I’m so amazing, gays think I’m wonderful and sexy!” You are who you are, and be proud of it!!! Own dat shit!

+ Lorena asks… “What do you really think about two-beer queers? Repressed homosexuals, frustrating dilettantes, or fun time toys sent from tipsy heaven?”

I don’t know exactly what to say about this phrase, “two-beer queers.”  It could be referring to a gay boy who has two beers and becomes slut-city, or a straight man who has a couple of beers and becomes gay bait.  I guess it all depends on the situation and surroundings.  I myself like to PAAAAAR-TAAAAAAAY!, so two beers are not a part of my fabulous homosexual vocabulary.  However, if you are concerned about fellow straight men drinking and rubbin’ up on cute queers, it’s probably just an unguarded expression of appreciation towards GAY awesomeness.

On that note, if a guy you are interested in or dating pays more attention and desires to frequently discuss how many gay men hit on him than listen to you, then it’s a red flag that he’s a big closted O’ woman and you should discuss becoming shopping partners rather than lovers…

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Oh dat Shaunie! Always giving his good TWO CENTS! Please follow me on Twitter or hang out with me on Facebook and I’ll let you know when to submit for the next Ask A Gay!

So let’s talk about my “beginning of summer goals.” I wanted to spend the summer dripping in gold jewels, baking underneath the nuclear uv Ray J’s, listening to the sweet sounds of Sean Kingston… until I was Alek Wek status..BEAUTIFUL.

Well now August is coming to an end and here I am…

(wearing a blue gingham dress hand me down from this)

With stems only SLIGHTLY more caramel, mocha arms (GAWD) pale breasts (FAWWK) and a strange tan line on just my left foot which makes the rest of my hoof look dirty. Sigh. SIGH AT THIS SHAKESPEAREAN LIFE I AM LIVING!!! Anyway, we still got a little time left no? Perhaps the clouds will break free and a giant fireball will come and turn me DARK AS NIGHT!! Just kidding you guys. I hate being Patchwork Man!! (BTW, does anyone remember a weird movie from the 70′s or 80′s about a man whose skin was stitched together from different shades of other people’s skin in an insane effort by scientists to “stop racism” ??? I have been inquiring about this weird movie I saw on KTLA as a child and NOBODY I have ever met, even those extremely educated in all types of film (snobs) have no idea what I am talking about!? UGH I AM SO ALONE IN THIS CRUEL WORLD!!)

Anyway on to more pictures of summertime BBQ’s. We originally wanted to spend the day making guacamole and veggie kabobs wearing only our underpanties and aprons a la Renee Zellweger in Empire Records but we were stu and forgot all about that plan. Back in the day (see: two years ago) we would spend our wild summer nights in aprons and spanking each other with spatulas and other kitchen utensils. Would not the summer of 2009 be a grand time for such a resurgence? I even wanted to make brownies and listen to Gwar. Well, there’s always this weekend.

BFFS

I also went to the fair for a couple of hours..and a couple of beers..

Love Mikks wild carnival ride hairdo

As you can see this betch will not go on carnival rides and just waved like a father watching her children from below

FIREWORKS NERD

How’s your summer been? Anyone tan and glorious? If so, F U

Don’t do this:

Like tiramisu or anything a la mode.

When Bjork was in the International Society of Black Hair and Bangs (no Red Lipstick though)…

xoxo be back soon

The #1 thing I wanted to do in Japan was go to Puroland, which is basically the Disneyland for Sanrio characters. We made the journey to this special place in cute dresses and cake hats. I can’t begin to tell you how excited I was. A flurry of RAW EMOTION.

We walked in at perfect timing, while the parade was going on. If I told you I CRIED would you think of me differently? I get so emotional baby. Was it sensory overload or my sissy la la-ness? You would have probably shed a tear as well…I mean look at this!

I’m posting this so you can hear my sobbing. WHAT THE?! No joke! What’s wrong with me??

One reason why I love Puroland is there was no drama trying to get a picture with a character. Um FUCK waiting in line and elbowing some rugrats (no offense kids) in the head trying to get a pic next to los Chip N’ Dales at Disney. At Puroland it was very easy to meet these furries. My Melody was my favorite when I was a kid! Is it weird that my first instinct was to go into propose pose? Marry me now!

How can you not cry at Puroland when you see things that are this ADORABLE?

I am about to photoshop this picture like those “Hang In There cats” so when I’m having a bad day I can look at this lil munchkin and feel better.

One of my favorite Puroland attractions was Hello Kitty’s House! I didn’t see this toilet though. Do you think some practical jokesters were taking dooks in it so they had it removed?

Me in her bathtub…

Look at this inviting fireplace..

Come, sit by me, just take a load off

Emi and I in her dining room…

Pretty much the face I made the whole time I was in Tokyo..

I can’t deal

I musn’t

I shan’t

I won’t

Okay if I must

Don’t DIE everyone

They have a Sanrio Character Boat ride which is just like It’s A Small World at Disneyland

I like taking pictures of other people’s pictures. Looks like a screencap from a Hugh Grant flick.

We also got portraits done that had our silhouettes looking at Hello Kitty’s silhouette like a staring game. They are pretty amazing.

The best was when we met THE QUEEN HERSELF!!!

More cute stuff

Writing wishes on paper stars…

Man I miss Tokyo.

Oh haaaaay putanas and putanos. Sorry I’m MIA but real life has been winning over the internet for summer of 2009 and I’ve been burned the fuck out for weeks. I HATE SLASH LOVE IT. Anyway let’s talk about how I’m a lucky girl. It’s true. Because I run with the wildest, passionate, “most schmartest”, hilarious, beautifullleeest girls ever. This post is dedicated to my darling Nickkis (there are two).

It was one of my bff Nicki’s birthdays recently!

Nicki and Reyna in a tattooed embrace.

In love

Best white girl booty I know

My other Nikki recently sang backup with Audra Mae at the Ford Ampitheatre. Fun times hanging backstage! Audra Mae is AMAZING! I love her! Listen to “Milk and Honey.” It’s so pretty! And if you listen carefully, you might hear a line sung by one of our favorite ladyboners…HELLO DADDY.

Beautiful and top dollar bang$. Gotta have good bang$ to run with me! (tutorial WILL happen everyone!)

I die for mini maracas in a driving down Hollyhood Blvd car dance party. I need my own set boo! (birthday October 16 thnx)

Look at what Nikki put as her bio in the program. I CAN’T DEAL

Sigh. Love you two too much. Karaoke soon ple? SUMMER OF RAGE 2009!!!!

Prince – Darling Nikki