Ask A Gay

[photo by Maggie Donahue]

They say behind every fabulous woman is a fabulous gay man, and a girl like me has probably gone through as many gay boyfriends as straight ones. Throughout the years it has been proven there can ONLY BE ONE… and my own gay Highlander is my bff Shaun. After meeting a decade ago in dance class, we bonded over our Libra charm (wink), an interest in the occult, Bjork, John Waters and a million other things. We became travel partners as well as best pals, and from London to Beijing, Shaun has been at my side like my personal guardian gayngel. When I recently asked him if he would ever bring his long luxurious braid extensions back (sported during our days of ahem…adventurous hairdos in ’99), he informed me that the braids have gone to “hair heaven”. I do wish he gave me one though, so I could scotch-tape it into a memory book like my mom did with my baby belly button. SICK, but totally true. Anyway, since I know not every sexy mama (or menz) has the luxury of having a Shaun in her or his life, I am happy to lend him  and his sage advice over to you for assistance or even just to answer any gay-related questions. Ask A Gay is a new ongoing feature aaaand if you would also like a lesbian bff’s point of view, I have one to offer you too! I do love a variety of condiments and you can say I love the same in my friends! Let’s see The Shaun give it to you straight (I mean forward…NEVER STRAIGHT)!

+ Tony asks… “I’d love to get some gay guy fashion tips”

The key is don’t under or overdo it! You can always tell when someone is trying too hard to categorize themselves as a specific style or genre. And the last thing you want to be is a poser. Try to wear things you feel comfortable in, while still looking presentable and hip. In other words, find your own style and run with it! This means wearing fitted pants/jeans, shirts, and clean nice looking shoes. This doesn’t mean wearing shirts with stains of any kind or holes, sleeveless shirts, muscle tanks or muscle shirts (unless you have muscles and want to be perceived as a gay man), obscenely baggy pants, and dirty or beat up looking Converse and kicks – ESPECIALLY with dressy clothes. VOM!

Remember, girls DO look at a man’s shoes. And if they are shitty… lets just say you and your bed or backseat will not be getting any action, unless it’s an one-sided conversation as friends while she drops all of her ex boyfriend baggage on you all night.

+ Kevin asks… “I wear a lot of black, but don’t want to be stigmatized as a moody goth kid. What would you recommend for subtle color accents?”

I always love the way red, turquoise/teal, a pale green, yellow, and of course pink look with black. However, you strike me as a dude who already wears red and pink with black on occasion. You could maybe find funky patterns with these colors, possibly mixed with white; as scarfs, shirts, pants, or even shoes and the black will make these colors POP. And everyone will want to fuck you.

+ Gilda asks… “What happens if 2 bottoms or 2 tops fall in love? does that ever happen? and How do u tell who’s a bottom or top?

Well, my dear – this is a tough one. I would consider it to be very rare for two tops or two bottoms to fall in love. Since gays, like straights, usually have preference of what type of man or woman they are attracted to. However, not all gays have anal sex. Some strictly enjoy oral sex or mutual masturbation, which in these cases it is very possible for two men with the same level of masculinity could end up falling in love and having a completely successful relationship. Also, there are men who are versatile and will play either or in the sack. I have friends that were versatile, but will conform to what the other person prefers if they define themselves as one or the other.

As far as, how can you tell? Fantasies for one thing, but you don’t really know for sure unless you try it. And I guess I could relate it to straight sexual partners is the sense that after adequate amount of exploration, you begin to figure out your favorite positions, turn-ons, g-spot locations, etc.

+ Levon asks… “My question is about why the fuck do so many gay guys think I’m an approachable gay guy when I’m actually straight?”

It almost sounds as though you find this a little disconcerting, maybe that’s too strong of a word, hows about troubling? Now I don’t know you at all, but you might be more of a sensitive soul, who has an appreciation for art, music, film, and possibly literature. You also may or may not have slight feminine mannerisms; at least a tad more than your average uncultured beer bong drinking, burping, farting, flame shirt wearing, Limp Bizkit listening, Dane Cook following, inarticulate, obnoxious straight male.

The good gays FLOCK to men that are intelligent and actually capable of opening their mouths to speak without a slice of shit-pie falling out. And if you are easy to talk to and somewhat attractive, well you are now a gay magnet! You shouldn’t consider this as a setback. If anything, you should allow it to be an ego boost. “I’m so amazing, gays think I’m wonderful and sexy!” You are who you are, and be proud of it!!! Own dat shit!

+ Lorena asks… “What do you really think about two-beer queers? Repressed homosexuals, frustrating dilettantes, or fun time toys sent from tipsy heaven?”

I don’t know exactly what to say about this phrase, “two-beer queers.”  It could be referring to a gay boy who has two beers and becomes slut-city, or a straight man who has a couple of beers and becomes gay bait.  I guess it all depends on the situation and surroundings.  I myself like to PAAAAAR-TAAAAAAAY!, so two beers are not a part of my fabulous homosexual vocabulary.  However, if you are concerned about fellow straight men drinking and rubbin’ up on cute queers, it’s probably just an unguarded expression of appreciation towards GAY awesomeness.

On that note, if a guy you are interested in or dating pays more attention and desires to frequently discuss how many gay men hit on him than listen to you, then it’s a red flag that he’s a big closted O’ woman and you should discuss becoming shopping partners rather than lovers…

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Oh dat Shaunie! Always giving his good TWO CENTS! Please follow me on Twitter or hang out with me on Facebook and I’ll let you know when to submit for the next Ask A Gay!