Hey y’all. Remember during the summer when I got super obsessed with Twilight and even put out a Craigslist ad looking for Edward Cullen? Okay maybe not that many people knew about that ‘joke.’
Seeking Edward Cullen
Recently, I have been having the same “Twilight” dream where I am attacked by a Vampire! Crushed garlic cannot save me and maybe I don’t want to be saved. I want Edward Cullen! Are you Edward Cullen? Are you the vampire of my dreams? Here is how I see you:
You are impossibly beautiful like a mythical Greek god Adonis. Your skin is like marble–-very pale, ice cold, and sparkles in the moonlight like diamonds. Your face is perfect and angular–high cheekbones, strong jawline, a straight nose, and beautiful, full lips. Your hair, which is always in casual disarray, retains the unusual bronze shade that you inherited in your human life from your biological mother. Your eyes, once emerald green, are now a liquid, golden topaz. Yum! Your fingers must be slender and your smile must be dazzlingly crooked. Can I trust you?
Your appearance should change if you go long without feeding (on me). Your eyes will darken, becoming almost black, and purple bruises appear beneath your eyes. You should be around 6’2″, and have a slender but muscular build (where it counts). Cha cha!
I would also prefer if you retain some of the traditional mindset and dated patterns of speech from the early-20th century human life. You must be charming, polite, determined, and very stubborn. You must be very protective over ME and put my safety, humanity and welfare before anything else (including X-Box 360 and pr0n).
I want you to over-analyze situations and overreact, especially in situations where MY safety is at risk. You must also be musical: have the ability to play the piano like a virtuoso. You must enjoy a wide range of music, including classical, jazz, progressive metal, alternative rock, punk rock. You must HATE country and disco.
Did I mention how you must be very ATTRACTIVE, like Chuck Bass or Robert Pattinson. Please Google them before you respond.
Yeah I didn’t find my vampire boy, just a whole lotta freaks and people who got mad at my requirements! Anyway, who else watched the movie last night and DIED FROM LAUGHTER like we did? I have never laughed so hard in a movie theater even while watching an intentional comedy. Don’t get me wrong, I still fucking loved it. Rob Pattinson is fucking FUUUUWINE girl. But all those cheesy lines and narrations we ooh’d and aww’d over in the books translated to pure comedy on the silver screen, did it not? Oh and the dazzlin’, the dazzlin’!! I wish it were on dvd already so I can be watching it again right now just lol’ing and rofling and lollerskating and all that good shit.
Did I mention how I have no shame in my game?
But really, life is too short not to LOL all the time.
Still, will I regret being a big ol’ nerd over something like Twilight?