This past weekend, Leyla and I went to the Olympic Spa in Koreatown, which was something we had been wanting to do for a long time. We were gonna get RAW at the nude Korean SPA. After a summer of RAGIN’, eating crap, drinking some kind of alcohol every day, hatin’, and doing gawd knows what/who else to corrupt my body and mind, I felt like I needed to do a sort of detox and cut back on all this pollution. And what would be better than a spa trip to start?

Now, this shit is completely nude. There is no option for parading around in any kind of bikini unless it is an invisible one. You must let it all hang out. Since I plan on opening the Happy Panda Nude Colony for Senior Citizens later on in life, I didn’t have much concern with that. An owner of a nude colony is going to have to get used to these things, am I right??? Being naked is fun! Yay nude! Also, what’s that term I’ve always loved? Skyclad. Then I realized this would be while I was… SOBER. I didn’t think they served Grey Goose at the nude Korean spa, did they? How will I loosen up, so to speak??

THE HARRY POTTER TEA BAF. That’s how. There are three pools that you can hang out in before your appointment. A regular jacuzzi type one, a cold bath and a super hot Mugworts tea pool. It took a while for us to get into that one. I meditated and imagined I was in another place in time and somehow smoothly made it in. It is supposed to help with circulation, skin, digestion, menstruation… shoot, I guess it takes care of everything. Can it help with my credit card debt too?

Shortly after, we were both called to get our treatments. I lay my Harry Potter tea’d bod on a table covered in a fake Gucci print. What the? I loved it already. Then the lady went to town scrubbing EVERY SINGLE part of my body like I was a microwave dish getting molested by a Chore Boy. It took at least half an hour as she scrubbed away every person I have ever slept with. I felt so pure, so virginal, and with my eyes closed, I imagined I was a child bride being prepared for my wedding….I felt like I was in another country in another time. I was tripping for reals. After the scrub of life, I got a full body massage. And can I say, menz, if you make friends with one of these nice Korean ladies and have them school you on how to properly massage breasts, you will be golden, son. GOLDEN! FOR LIFE!

Afterwards, I felt completely out of it and dreamily met Leyla on the warm jade floor for a little nap time. But sleeping on the floor with a bunch of Asian ladies kept reminding me of that movie Brokedown Palace and I felt like I was in Thailand jail. Then it segued into Bridget Jones 2 so I really couldn’t fall asleep.

Later I ate red meat twice, and got tipsy at The Garter, danced some dirty hip-hop and was back to square one again. There goes my goddamn detox. What an asshole. On the serious tip, that spa was incredible. I still feel great. No wonder people get addicted and go often. I already want to go back! I remember having numerous vivid dreams that night. There was a lucid one where I was going for a run and it felt amazing. A RUN! I don’t run! WTF? When I woke up I wasn’t hungover either. I betchu anything it was that magical Harry Potter bath. Love you nude spa.