When we went to the Madonna Inn, on the way back we stopped in Solvang and somehow thought we would find a giant wooden clog like they have on the streets of Amsterdam, instead we found this. Maxiatures are always hilarious anyway.

After walking into some horrifying clock store [I am like Captain Hook where I cannot stand the sound of clocks ticking] we checked out a couple thrift stores in hopes of finding some hidden gems but had no luck. While heading back to the car we passed by a store with signs promoting “$5 Dresses!” which prompted my BFF Reyna to say “Oh my gaw, this is going to be like you know what!” Movie Montage! If you’ve ever seen The Sweetest Thing, then you understand this reference, where Christina Applegate and Cameron Diaz walk into an outdated clothing store in Nowhere, CA, do a movie montage with assorted outfits and come out looking like extras from Days of Our Lives. This was the exact same thing, as if one of the “In Our Comic Book World” scenarios came to life. The clothing looked like it was from the early to mid nineties, all by the same designer named “Jody”. Untouched prom dresses, elaborate bridesmaid gowns, and a few pieces that would look great on J-Lo when she was dancing on In Living Color populated the racks. It looked like 1992 vomited all over the place. Where’s Chloe Sevigny when I need her? But then I thought…there surely has to be at least one amazing treasure for the likes of me in here! For $5, I had to attempt this madness. At least for a potential laugh.

Now I hardly have the kind of patience I had when I was an enthusiastic thrift shop investigator back in high school, but when the mood strikes, I can scour racks with X-ray eyes and come out with some unique finds, like the one time I found a weird Marc Jacobs skirt with a clown patch on it at TJ Maxx. With my mutant shopping powers I was able to quickly find a few babydoll dresses. So when this sort of challenge confronts me I consult the following checklist. First I ask myself:

1. “Can I rock this shit?” Ask yourself if you can pull it off. Do you feel confident and sexy in it? If the answer is no, don’t try to convince yourself it is a good steal because you “kind of like it.” Even if it is only five bucks, you can use that money for something more important, like a delicious mimosa. If you do love the fit but you are still having second thoughts remember to:

2. Be adventurous. If there is something that catches your eye but it is not your usual type of look, it’s still worth a try. Even if later on Tim Gunn or some other makeover show gay cleans out your closet, this might be the item that makes him say “What in the f were you thinking?” or “This worries me”. Don’t let Tim’s voice in your head stop you! It is fun to try new things, especially in something as light-hearted as fashion. Finally you should:

3. Look to your Main Gay and Best Gal Pal for honest, yet un-asshole-like opinions. Your Main Gay will not be shy telling you when a piece of clothing does not do your body justice, since you can always count on him for wanting you to look hot. Main Gays are especially important when you are trying to find an item for a specific occasion. Your Best Gal Pal will help differentiate what is daring and what is a one-way ticket to Ho-ville. They can decipher what length of a skirt is sexy yet still classy, and what amount of cleavage is safe to show, whereas your Main Gay most likely loves boobs just like a straight boy [I know, one of life’s mysteries] and will sometimes have an inaccurate reading on his Trashy Meter.

After considering these three factors, take a last look at your To-Buy Pile. If you are all set then go to pay, but make sure you didn’t accidentally grab someone else’s bra, which must have happened to me because when I got home I found a gigantic used white cotton bra inside my tank top shopping bag. They sewed up the bottom of a Solvang cotton tank top and turned it into a makeshift shopping bag. Clever, eco-friendly and WEIRD! Anyway yes, sick, there was a phantom bra in my bag. Did the prankster get pranked? I’ll never know.

I decided on the following items:

-A black and white dress with a really tiny checkered print, lined with eyelet. Looks cute with this red bow belt from H&M. Isn’t my hair so gloriously long? I’m having a race with myself to see how far I can get to Crystal Gayle status before I go crazy.


-The same version of the above dress but in white, which reminds me of a more casual version of the Jovovich-Hawk dress I bought from Target. I wore this on Easter so I could look as pure as virgin snow:

White as Virgin Snow

And finally, my Tim Gunn’s Voice item: A Heathers-style plaid dress…with mutha fuckin’ shoulder pads. I couldn’t help it. It was too hilarious for me to pass up. I say you should always have a sense of humor in fashion.

Heathers Cast

All I need is a croquet mallet and I would fit right in with the Heathers. I already have the bitchface down as you can see. Unfortunately I tried rocking this shit with red tights the first time I wore it and received strange looks when I went out to get some fish and chips. Anyway, black tights and the red headband were a better choice. Shoulder pads are forever ridiculous. You can always stuff your bra with them if you need to though.

All of these wondrous items were bought for a total of fifteen dollars and came with a free used gigantic white bra. Hopefully you will have luck in your own tacky treasure hunt and maybe get a free pair of used undergarments too!