Dear Lost,

I fucking hate you. You make me want to tear out my hair and glue it to my face you are so goddamn good. When I watch you I get so worked up and want to scream to the high heavens. I know I am an asshole and missed a whole season and a half of you but I promise to stay in, Netflix that shit, grow a beard and not come out until I am all caught up, although I know I will probably be even more confused than before. I even had to apply some vanilla deodorant before I watched you in case I started to sweat from all the tension. Thank goodness Make Me a Supermodel comes on right afterwards so I can relax while watching that hottie Perry scratch his balls on national television. I hope he wins. Yes Perry, I voted for you. Come to mama.

Your pal,

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