Posts from — March 2008
Funner to play than Hipster Bingo as long as you don’t get jumped. For more cholita goodness check out the Chola Style Guide.
This will conclude my Bingo Card making for awhile. Why didn’t you tell me Photoshop makes time fly even faster? Luckily Lost was a repeat tonight…
On a side note, I want to start dating Asian guys now because of America’s Best Dance Crew. Jabba Wockeez and the boys from Kaba Modern are sending my ladyboner through the roof. Asian guys who can dance like that HIT ME UP.
March 27, 2008 10 Comments
Original from wow, 2003?? Here. I thought it needed updating so I made this new one… although some things like Uber Hot Asian Female are ALWAYS in season. WINK! I got 8. What about chu?
March 27, 2008 4 Comments
Here’s a mini photo-novella from our time at the ol’ Madonna Inn…
The poses were Shaun’s [the thief!] idea. I can’t wait to do some more! Next time we’ll have to make a video like this.
March 26, 2008 1 Comment
When we went to the Madonna Inn, on the way back we stopped in Solvang and somehow thought we would find a giant wooden clog like they have on the streets of Amsterdam, instead we found this. Maxiatures are always hilarious anyway.
After walking into some horrifying clock store [I am like Captain Hook where I cannot stand the sound of clocks ticking] we checked out a couple thrift stores in hopes of finding some hidden gems but had no luck. While heading back to the car we passed by a store with signs promoting “$5 Dresses!” which prompted my BFF Reyna to say “Oh my gaw, this is going to be like you know what!” Movie Montage! If you’ve ever seen The Sweetest Thing, then you understand this reference, where Christina Applegate and Cameron Diaz walk into an outdated clothing store in Nowhere, CA, do a movie montage with assorted outfits and come out looking like extras from Days of Our Lives. This was the exact same thing, as if one of the “In Our Comic Book World” scenarios came to life. The clothing looked like it was from the early to mid nineties, all by the same designer named “Jody”. Untouched prom dresses, elaborate bridesmaid gowns, and a few pieces that would look great on J-Lo when she was dancing on In Living Color populated the racks. It looked like 1992 vomited all over the place. Where’s Chloe Sevigny when I need her? But then I thought…there surely has to be at least one amazing treasure for the likes of me in here! For $5, I had to attempt this madness. At least for a potential laugh.
Now I hardly have the kind of patience I had when I was an enthusiastic thrift shop investigator back in high school, but when the mood strikes, I can scour racks with X-ray eyes and come out with some unique finds, like the one time I found a weird Marc Jacobs skirt with a clown patch on it at TJ Maxx. With my mutant shopping powers I was able to quickly find a few babydoll dresses. So when this sort of challenge confronts me I consult the following checklist. First I ask myself:
1. “Can I rock this shit?” Ask yourself if you can pull it off. Do you feel confident and sexy in it? If the answer is no, don’t try to convince yourself it is a good steal because you “kind of like it.” Even if it is only five bucks, you can use that money for something more important, like a delicious mimosa. If you do love the fit but you are still having second thoughts remember to:
2. Be adventurous. If there is something that catches your eye but it is not your usual type of look, it’s still worth a try. Even if later on Tim Gunn or some other makeover show gay cleans out your closet, this might be the item that makes him say “What in the f were you thinking?” or “This worries me”. Don’t let Tim’s voice in your head stop you! It is fun to try new things, especially in something as light-hearted as fashion. Finally you should:
3. Look to your Main Gay and Best Gal Pal for honest, yet un-asshole-like opinions. Your Main Gay will not be shy telling you when a piece of clothing does not do your body justice, since you can always count on him for wanting you to look hot. Main Gays are especially important when you are trying to find an item for a specific occasion. Your Best Gal Pal will help differentiate what is daring and what is a one-way ticket to Ho-ville. They can decipher what length of a skirt is sexy yet still classy, and what amount of cleavage is safe to show, whereas your Main Gay most likely loves boobs just like a straight boy [I know, one of life's mysteries] and will sometimes have an inaccurate reading on his Trashy Meter.
After considering these three factors, take a last look at your To-Buy Pile. If you are all set then go to pay, but make sure you didn’t accidentally grab someone else’s bra, which must have happened to me because when I got home I found a gigantic used white cotton bra inside my tank top shopping bag. They sewed up the bottom of a Solvang cotton tank top and turned it into a makeshift shopping bag. Clever, eco-friendly and WEIRD! Anyway yes, sick, there was a phantom bra in my bag. Did the prankster get pranked? I’ll never know.
I decided on the following items:
-A black and white dress with a really tiny checkered print, lined with eyelet. Looks cute with this red bow belt from H&M. Isn’t my hair so gloriously long? I’m having a race with myself to see how far I can get to Crystal Gayle status before I go crazy.
-The same version of the above dress but in white, which reminds me of a more casual version of the Jovovich-Hawk dress I bought from Target. I wore this on Easter so I could look as pure as virgin snow:
And finally, my Tim Gunn’s Voice item: A Heathers-style plaid dress…with mutha fuckin’ shoulder pads. I couldn’t help it. It was too hilarious for me to pass up. I say you should always have a sense of humor in fashion.
All I need is a croquet mallet and I would fit right in with the Heathers. I already have the bitchface down as you can see. Unfortunately I tried rocking this shit with red tights the first time I wore it and received strange looks when I went out to get some fish and chips. Anyway, black tights and the red headband were a better choice. Shoulder pads are forever ridiculous. You can always stuff your bra with them if you need to though.
All of these wondrous items were bought for a total of fifteen dollars and came with a free used gigantic white bra. Hopefully you will have luck in your own tacky treasure hunt and maybe get a free pair of used undergarments too!
March 25, 2008 4 Comments
Easter was lovely, relaxing, and we had perfectly warm weather. I spent the earlier part of the day making vampire cupcakes while Edith Piaf played in the background. Baking while listening to her has to be one of the most calming combinations next to drinking champagne in a hot tub.
I got the idea for the cupcakes from this wonderful lil’ blog and wanted to try it out on the second best day to celebrate the undead, Easter! Afterwards, I headed over to the bff’s for steak, mimosas and Monster Squad to complete the celebration. It seems I associate Easter with monsters remembering I made a monster-themed Easter basket for an ex bf a couple years ago. Perhaps this is some sort of subconscious tradition!
Let’s laugh at this embarrassing fifth grade diary entry from the time I was obsessed with Monster Squad:
Oh, Monster Squad, you’re right up there with The Goonies for me.
It’s interesting watching kids movies from the 80’s and comparing them to the ones now. Back then, they got away with twelve-year olds spewing profanity, ogling tits and even some violence under a sweet PG-13 rating. These days people make such a big deal out of everything. Kids are hearing and seeing worse on the playground and the internet anyway! People are so stupid. I want to get into a time machine and become preggo back then so my kid can grow up on John Hughes movies and learn how to breakdance. Hmm, maybe I just want to give birth to a breakdancing version of myself. Anyway, I digress.
Let’s take a look at some scenes from the movie that you will most likely never see on kid-friendly films today.
Kids with guns! A dad lighting up a cig in his house in front of his son! And Rudy’s smoking a cigarette too. BTW, Ryan Lambert is still one hot mutha. This part is still badass years later and you know it:
Straight gangsta. There was also profanity o’ plenty from the kids in this movie that you will surely never see nowadays. Imagine Harry Potter saying something like “Fuck off, Malfoy.” Sigh. I’m so nostalgic lately.
March 24, 2008 5 Comments
I love these photos from Italian expresso company Lavazza’s 2008 calendar. This year’s feature, shot by Scottish photographer Finlay Mackay, is “dedicated to important, aristocratic and determined women, women who feel like queens – in other words, all women. It shows an enchanted and precious world in which queens are surrounded by jewelry, silk, velvet and freely roaming animals proudly reign.” This one is naturally my favorite.
March 24, 2008 No Comments
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March 21, 2008 2 Comments
I fucking hate you. You make me want to tear out my hair and glue it to my face you are so goddamn good. When I watch you I get so worked up and want to scream to the high heavens. I know I am an asshole and missed a whole season and a half of you but I promise to stay in, Netflix that shit, grow a beard and not come out until I am all caught up, although I know I will probably be even more confused than before. I even had to apply some vanilla deodorant before I watched you in case I started to sweat from all the tension. Thank goodness Make Me a Supermodel comes on right afterwards so I can relax while watching that hottie Perry scratch his balls on national television. I hope he wins. Yes Perry, I voted for you. Come to mama.
March 20, 2008 3 Comments
Happy First Day of Spring! This usually means everyone is starting to get more horn than usual. It also means that the weather is getting a bit warmer so we can break out our picnic baskets and roll around in some hay. It also means it’s time for some new dresses! I have already found some of the key items on my spring shopping list. A white eyelet dress, check! I found one for twelve dollars due to my expert bargain shopping ways. I’m also loving creme lately, an obvious rebellion against my black wardrobe.
The Jovovich-Hawk line at Target has a couple of nice creme-colored dresses, although the one on the right might look a little too Renaissance Fair-ish if you don’t work it the right way. I decided on the first one. It’s flowy and very feminine and looks nice if you have a tan, or even if only the upper half of your body is dark, like the arms of yours truly.
I know what you are thinking. “Natalie Portman again?!! You obsessed bitch!” I swear it is only a coincidence that Natalie is haunting my posts. Unless this is one of those things where I “joke” about having a crush on someone then it turns real. That has happened way too many times in my life, it’s not even funny. Anyway, I really want this hot pink dress/gold strappy shoes combo. I used to have the best gold strappy shoes until they broke from all of my freestyle walking so I am now on the search for the perfect pair. Something sexy and comfy that doesn’t cost a million doll-hairs.
As far as a sexy pink dress this Sarah Berman one is adorable with the triple bows, but way over my budget.
What’s on your Spring Wish List?
March 20, 2008 2 Comments
1. Lifetime – In high school I was really obsessed with Lifetime Original Movies. They are trashy romance novels come to life. I still have conversations with kindred spirits about “the one where Kellie Martin was all obsessed with Tori Spelling and started wearing her cheerleader jacket” and “the one where Fred Savage beat up Candace Cameron”. Unfortunately the obsession seems to have come back to me with a vengeance. I watched Alyssa Milano in Wisegal, which wasn’t too shameful because I can make the excuse it was mobster movie, well one with Samantha from Who’s the Boss, but still. Then I watched some movie called Abducted, only because there was a poor man’s Michael Vartan in it. What happened to Michael Vartan anyway?
2. Cheap Italian Champagne – I have become addicted to this eight-dollar bubbly called Ballatore Spumante. We are averaging two bottles a week lately. And there is no specific reason for this cork-popping indulgence! “Atonement made us depressed, let’s get some champagna!” “Penelope made us happy, let’s get some champagna!” “I cut my bangs, let’s get some champagna!” “It’s Daylight Savings Time, let’s get some freakin’ champagna!” Baby, we don’t need a reason to celebrate other than LIFE!
3. Period Films - Pride and Prejudice, The Other Boleyn Girl, Girl with the Pearl Earring, Elizabeth, The Duchess out later this year…period pieces turn up the horn with sexy British leads and satisfy my love for elaborate costume. Needless to say my Netflix queue has been burning up. Also: Collin Firth.
4. The 99 Cent Store – HA!!! What’s the Starbucks/99 Cent Store ratio in Southern California? ‘Cause both of them are everywhere, which makes it easy for me to get an iced coffee and a Venus Flytrap with just a drive down the street. Yes, I said a Venus Flytrap from the goddamn 99! And yes, my plant is still alive after a month. It is straight Little Shop of Horrors up in here. Anyway, where else can you get cute red and white baroque mini storage boxes, the perfect fake eyelashes, and fresh sunflowers?!? The heaven-sent 99, that’s where.
5. America’s Best Dance Crew – Okay, I will admit without shame that I go bananas for almost anything dance-related, but particularly hip-hop. Even though I have been through semi-gawth and hardcore raver phases throughout my life and listen to whiny indie pussy music, my heart always reverts to hip-hop. I used to dance back in the day, [Filipinos know how to fucking bust a move], and watching things like Step Up [BLOL] and America’s Best Dance Crew makes my guts sigh. I bet when I am an old grandmama I will be rocking in my chair with my granddaughter on my lap watching old Missy Elliott videos and saying “Your grams used to pop-n-lock, little girl!!!” Anyway, I LOVE this show. Thank you Randy Jackson for bringing me Fysh N’ Chips [Wah, eliminated] and those hot masked b-boys JabbaWockeez!
6. People Whose Faces Look Like Kraft American Cheese – Lastly, I’m just really into saying shit like “So and So’s face looks like a slice of American Cheese.” Did I get that somewhere or is that an original Marie-ism? I can’t tell. But as some of you know, I HATE American Cheese. VOM.
What stupid embarrassing obsessions are you into right now? And no, Lost does not count because Lost is a very classy obsession.
March 16, 2008 6 Comments